


Overwhelming the Other Side

by AstoundinglyMade



Series: Working our way home [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Boys In Love, Everyone Is Alive, Gay Sirius Black, Home, M/M, Moving Out, References to Depression, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black as Padfoot, Teacher Remus Lupin, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Werewolf Politics, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-04-11 23:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19119730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstoundinglyMade/pseuds/AstoundinglyMade
Summary: When Remus returns to London to visit Sirius, in the flat they used to share, he finds that nothing has changed and that, despite the upbeat letters he's been getting for the last eighteen months, his friend has been anything but okay.Between his research, the looming full moon, the secret Sirius has been keeping about his work as a healer, and the addition of an excitable new packmate, Remus is confronted with just how much he's missed home. And Sirius. Mostly Sirius. Will he be brave enough this time to take the risk?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This entire work (~36k words) is already written and will be posted in chapters daily.
> 
> A note about the discussion of depression in this story: There is mention of Sirius having suffered from a depressive episode a number of years prior to the start of this story and a discussion about the episode he is just coming out of. There are no discussions of self harm, but there is a brief mention of substance abuse (alcohol) in one if the later chapters.
> 
> There is also some description of pain and having to watch someone you love suffer pain. If this is difficult for you, watch the notes and I'll flag that chapter. There is only one scene that gets into it, so I might just post that alone.
> 
> Alright, onward and upward! We've got some boys to reunite!

Perfect weather for it, Sirius thinks, as he waits in the arrivals queue at Heathrow. It's a bit hot for full leathers, and he usually would have made do with just the jacket, but he's here to get Remus and the nervous energy that inspires has had him out chasing any version of calm along country roads all morning.

Technically, Remus could have gotten a portkey back from France, but those are expensive and can be difficult to arrange, so Remus feigned a preference for flying. Technically, he also could have used the public floo to get from the airport back to the flat, but that wouldn't have let Sirius be the one to bring him home, so Sirius had invented a recent increase in the wait times. Let me lie to you and I'll let you lie to me.

"After all these years living in the dorm, I don't think I'd be comfortable living alone. Live with me, Remus, you'll be doing me a favour," is a far nicer way of saying "I can afford it, you can't, and I know you don't want to move back in with your parents," just the same way as "we weren't a good fit," is a solid replacement for "I know you hated him and I don't like upsetting you." This careful language, cultivated over years of living together, in school and out, is comforting and infuriating in equal measure.

When caution was called for, 'Remus, we know you're a werewolf' or 'Sirius, you're safe here with us', their ability to talk without talking was always more useful than the direct route James or Peter would have taken, but when they fought, 'I could have killed him, Sirius!' or 'figuring out you like men doesn't mean you have to try them all out!', it meant that neither of them would just out and speak to the actual problem.

What for it, Sirius? He can see Remus approaching through the crowd. Going to live up to that courage you're rumored to have, or tuck your tail and hide like usual? What's the use in pretending? It will be the usual. As ever, he thinks as he lifts his helmet to greet his friend.

 

 

"Hey there," Sirius says, handing Remus' helmet off. "Bags pre-shrunken?"

"I stopped by the wizarding lounge on the way out. Thought it would make this bit easier."

"Too bad, really. I spent my time in the queue coming up with great distractions to cover for the use of a little magic."

"Lucky for all of us that I thought you might try something stupid and took care of it then." Remus laughs while swinging his leg over the seat to pull in behind Sirius. "Nice day for it."

"Mhmm"

The next hour is an expanse of traffic with blissful pockets of open road and startling sunshine and Remus pressed up against his back the whole way. This moment, right here, forever this, Sirius thinks, as they wind their way through the neighborhood and into the alley behind the flat. He's spent the whole drive trying to ready himself for what comes next. Truthfully, he's had a month since Remus owled to say he'd be coming back to London for two weeks to do a bit of research, but none of the thinking he's done in that time seems to have prepared him for the reality of Remus here, Remus' voice, Remus curled around him.

"They've offered me a year," Remus had said, when the letter arrived. "It's a full teaching position. Ancient runes and a couple of tutorials in defence to round it out. It will mean taking a leave from school, but it's not a chance I think I can turn down lightly." At the end of that first year, they'd asked him to stay on another term, and then another. Apparently the teacher on leave had chosen not to return, and the headmaster had been happy to keep Remus on rather start a full scale search for his replacement.

There had been visits of course. Remus came home for Lily and James' wedding and again in the summer term to see his parents. James had, in that very James way, insisted on, and arranged for, a portkey when Harry was born, but that visit had only lasted the weekend and Remus had stayed with the Potters to maximize his time.

Walking up the stairs Sirius is very aware that this will be the first time Remus has properly been back to the flat since he left. Remus in his chair, Remus at the kitchen table in the morning, Remus in the morning, Remus. He's spent more than a year and a half trying to get used to the chair without Remus in it, the table with only one setting, the solitary cup of tea in the morning. The idea of all that loneliness rushing back in once Remus leaves again has him fumbling the keys in the lock and wishing that he hadn't insisted quite so strongly that Remus give up the hotel room he'd been offered.

Through the door, jackets on the hooks (Remus left, Sirius right), helmets on the shelf above, shoes below; they move in practiced synchronicity. It's just coming in the door, after all, and they've done it hundreds of times before. Did it always feel like this?, Sirius wonders as he tucks his shoes under the low bench. He can still feel the absence of Remus' chest on his back, thighs against his own, arms wrapped tight around his waist. How did I ever get anything done like this?

"Beer? Water? Tea?"

"Water first, then tea?"

"So you have missed England then?"

"More than you know."

Remus looks him full in the eyes with a bright smile just then, and Sirius is happy to have the excuse of fetching drinks to cover his need to turn away. This is going to be torture. Letting the kettle boil slowly, the muggle way, Sirius focuses on calming his breath and trying to push down the anxiety he hasn't been able to shake since he parked the bike. It's just Remus, his brain supplies as the kettle whistles and he mumbles, "yeah, that's the fucking problem," under his breath.

"Tea's ready!"

"I'm just putting my bags away. Out in a minute!"

Sirius settles on the couch and rifles through the patient files he's brought home from St Mungo's while he waits for Remus to reappear. Taking out a quill and a stack of parchment, he opens the first folder and flips through it until he finds a page of notes left by one of the interns. "Bloody keeners," he scoffs, as he scans nearly a foot of parchment describing possible treatment ideas for a sprained wrist. Interns are little more than a necessary evil some days, but he's got a good crop of them right now, and it makes him laugh to think that it wasn't that long ago that he was in their place.

"Laughing at your patients now, are you Healer Black?," Remus asks as he comes back into the living room and settles beside Sirius on the couch.

"Listen to this." Sirius says, through the tail end of his laughter. "Yesterday I told each of my interns to choose a patient of mine, find out what their greatest current concern is and write up a treatment plan to address it, okay? So this guy, Gregory?, Yeah Gregory, he visits with a woman who is struggling to get up and down her stairs. Pretty common problem for us, aging joints, chronic pain, that sort of thing. And this Gregory, he talks to her then suggests we build and install what is essentially a muggle ski lift to get her up and down."

"I wouldn't have thought that was in your purview as a healer?" Remus says through his laughter. "But, I guess it's nice to know this Gregory isn't afraid to go above and beyond for his patients?"

Getting himself under control, Sirius takes a sip of his tea (with a healthy dose of Firewhiskey, because Remus) and sits back. "That's just it. I have a bit of a reputation for getting more involved in my patients lives then other healers, and some of this lot are going to be invited to stay on, so they're all trying to outdo each other. This one wrote a foot and a half, with references," he adds, with a raise of his brows, "about the value of physical comfort in the healing process and, yes?, but also, how much time do they think I have to read these?"

"I seem to remember you making it no easier for your mentors," Remus says, sitting back again with a cheeky grin. "Something about incorporating muggle medications into treatment plans that had the unit head blowing smoke out both ears?"

"I still hold that I was right," Sirius says smugly, sliding the parchment back into the open file. "Which is why my office is a veritable muggle pharmacy right now. And if some things don't make it into the files, well then, maybe that's for the better."

"How does anyone believe you're to be trusted with authority, Sirius?"

"Pot meet kettle, Professor Lupin."

"No doubt. Alright, I think I'm going to have a lie down before we go to James and Lily's, if that's alright. Wake me up about an hour out?"

"Sure. Sleep well."

The door to Remus' room clicks quietly shut behind him. "Okay," Sirius breathes out, in relief, "maybe I can do this."

 

 

Remus is lying awake stripped down to his undershirt and underwear and willing himself to fall asleep. He really is tired, the kind of tired only international travel can bring, but he can't fight the feeling that something is not quite right.

When Sirius met him at the airport he'd been knocked back for a second by the bike, and the proximity, and the sight of Sirius in his riding leathers. Of course he'd bring the bike, Remus can't help thinking. He's been trying to kill me for years. That's not fair, more like he's been unknowingly succeeding in killing me for years, he amends. The ride itself had been wonderful, and terrible, and just so much Sirius, but if that was unnerving, coming back to the flat was surreal.

Right through the door it was obvious that nothing had changed in the year and a half that he's been gone. His grey sweater was still hung up on the same hook he'd always used, the tote bags he always took shopping, but that Sirius wouldn't be caught dead with, were folded on the shelf above, even his old slippers were tucked under the bench, just where he'd left them.

While Sirius ducked into the kitchen to make drinks, Remus had taken the opportunity to look around and found more of his things strewn about. A book on the arm of the chair he always read in, his grey cardigan over the back, and then there was the bedroom. The room was clean. Clean sheets, dust free, water jug beside the bed newly filled, and everything exactly where he last put it down. Even now, lying in the bed, he feels as if he is somehow a visitor in the Remus Lupin museum, and at any moment someone will come and tell him to please get out of the exhibit.

"Fine then, no sleep," Remus mutters to himself, before climbing out of bed and back into his clothes. After a stop in the washroom to wash up, he returns to the living room and pauses in front of the arm chair.

"Been reading my old texts, have you?"

"What? Oh, no. You must have left that out," Sirius replies absently while continuing to write something into one of his files.

"And no one has needed the chair since?," Remus presses.

"Suppose not. Feel free to move it."

"Padfoot? Look at me," Remus says, as he closes the book and places it on the coffee table before sitting back in the chair. "It's a little strange.'

"What is?" Sirius is still perched at the front of the couch, leaning forward over his notes. He's looking at Remus now but he's barely moved his quill away from the parchment, making it clear his attention is temporary.

"This," Remus gestures to the book. "My book, my sweater on the back of the chair. Everything is exactly where I left it. I know it's not your job to tidy up after me but, I've been gone more than a year and that bedroom looks like I slept in it yesterday."

"Your bedroom."

Now it's Remus' turn to look confused. "What?"

"You said 'that bedroom' but it's your bedroom. It was just weird," Sirius says with a dismissive wave of his hand that ends in him reaching for his tea.

Exasperated now, Remus throws his hands up. "That's what's weird? Me referring to a room I haven't stepped into in eighteen months as not specifically belonging to me? It's not my room, I don't live here. I haven't done for a long time."

Sirius scowls into the mug he's holding and mutters "as if I haven't felt every fucking day of the absence" just low enough that he can be sure Remus won't hear him.

"I don't understand how that's relevant. It's your bloody room whether you're in it or not." Remus can tell from his tight tone that Sirius is steeling himself for a fight, so he takes a deep breath and decides to drop it. I've got two weeks, he thinks. Best to approach this slowly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some discussion of depression in this chapter, right at the beginning.

That night, after a run around with Harry and dinner with Lily and James, Sirius carries Harry up to bed for a couple of stories and a tuck in and Remus takes the opportunity to finally talk to someone about what he's discovered at the flat. What's most disconcerting is that they don't seem surprised, not at his room, not at his books still sitting by his chair, not even by his obviously worn sweater still hanging on the hooks by the front door.

"He kept my room exactly the way it was. Why would he do that? I just assumed he'd have thought about moving someone else in by now."

James and Lily exchange a glance before she asks, "Did it seem lived in?"

"No, more like... preserved. Everything was exactly where I left it, as far as I could tell."

"Well, that's an improvement then," James says, as he looks to Lily and lets his shoulders drop with a sigh.

"What do you mean?," Remus asks, a look of concern spreading across his face.

"Well, I'm not really sure how much of this I can tell you but he was sleeping in there for a bit."

"In my room?"

"Yes."

There's a long pause before Remus speaks again. His eyes stay on the table, his voice quiet, "How long is a bit?"

"Can't have been much past Easter I don't think before it seemed like he might be spending some nights in his own room again," James replies calmly. His tone is practiced, it's obvious he knows what he's saying has the potential to cause pain.

"Easter? He slept in my room for months after I left?" Remus drops his head into his hands. "Christ. No one thought to mention this to me?"

"What were we supposed to say?" Lily huffs out a year chuckle. "Remus, I know you've accepted this great opportunity and, I'm really sorry to wreck things, but you've broken Padfoot, so we'll need you to come back now."

Sarcasm might not be the kindest approach, but at least it's direct.

Remus looks down into his tea before meeting James eye again, "Was it like last time?"

"I don't know. It's hard to say," James is struggling to find the right words. "It felt the same, I guess it still feels the same? But it's hard to know since we don't all live on top of each other anymore? It's much easier to hide when people aren't there to watch." The room is quiet for a moment and Remus knows they're all remembering the last time Sirius had shut himself up like this. It had taken more than a month for Remus to convince him to start looking after himself again, two before he'd speak above a whisper and even then only out of necessity, and nearly six before he would believe Remus that he'd been forgiven. Apparently that had been the fast version.

Remus meets James' eye for a moment then lets his eyes fall back to his tea, "Okay."

"Okay!?" James has pulled his hands into fists and looks ready to push up out of his chair when Remus cuts him off.

"Yeah, okay. I'm not his keeper. I can't, fuck…"

Lily walks around the table, rubbing Remus gently on the shoulder as she passes on her way to set the kettle back on the stove.

When Sirius returns he finds them talking about Harry. Something about which of his parents was the earliest to walk, and just how long they have to get all their moveables tied down.

After another cup of tea Remus is clearly exhausted and Sirius all but carries him outside to apparate back to the flat.

 

 

Sirius is already up and nearly ready for work when Remus wakes the following morning.

"Morning!," he calls out from his position at the stove. "I've got French toast on the way and there's a fresh towel in the washroom for you. I've got to leave in ten minutes, but if you're not ready yet I can just leave a warming charm on the lot of it for you."

"Oh! Oh, thanks. I'm not quite used to a breakfast that isn't eaten in a rush anymore. French toast sounds lovely."

"Well, get used to it. You're looking a little boney again, Moons. Never one to take proper care of yourself, were you?"

"I do just fine, Padfoot."

"Sure you do," Sirius says, sliding the rest of the French toast onto a plate. "But you can't fault me for taking the chance to coddle you a little while I have you."

Remus doesn't miss the fond look that crosses Sirius' face as he takes the plate and sets it down in front of him. He can feel his cheeks flushing uncomfortably as he looks away and hopes he's been fast enough for Sirius to miss it. Not so lucky, he thinks, as Sirius chuckles on his way to the door.

"I'll be done at the hospital around half six. Will you be here if I come back with dinner?"

Remus nods as he quickly finishes the bite of toast he'd been chewing. This checking in, making plans and running them by one another, feels so natural and so jarring all at once and he's grateful for the momentary pause that eating affords him before he's expected to answer. "Yeah, yes. I've got a meeting later this morning with the man who is granting me access to the University library and archives and I'm hoping he'll give me the chance to get started today, but I'll definitely be back before dinner regardless."

"Good then. Have fun with your dusty old books, Moony. I'll see you for dinner."

"See you."

 

 

Remus does, in fact, get access to the libraries that afternoon and between the archaic filling system that supposedly allows you to locate books in storage, but has so far proven utterly useless, and the sheer volume of materials Remus has to vet for content, it's a quarter to seven before he makes it back to the flat to find Sirius already pulling plates out of the cupboard.

"I got Chinese!," He calls from the kitchen. "It was the older woman taking orders today and when I went by to pick it up she said 'you tell him there are two extra egg rolls in there for him. He's too skinny'. And don't worry, I remembered to get three fortune cookies just in case one of them doesn't break exactly right and you need to start over."

"That was one time, Sirius," Remus groans, walking in to the kitchen. "One time, nearly a decade ago."

"Sure, but you can't deny that it was memorable." Sirius shakes his head as he unloads the food cartons from the bags he's set on the table. "None of us had ever seen you emote beyond a tight laugh or a disappointed shake of the head, and then all of a sudden, you're stamping your feet and yelling about ruined cookies and the end of everything."

"Very funny, Sirius," Remus replies flatly, as he finds the extra egg rolls and moves them to his plate. "Please, laugh at the scared little boy who was trying so hard to control himself and protect his secret that his anxiety eventually got the better of him."

"Oh, Remus, you know that's not it. I'm not making fun of you for being afraid, I'm remembering it as the first time we got a chance to see through your cautious exterior. I know you hated that moment, but afterwards we actually felt like we got to know you. You're always secrets and walls. Sometimes it's nice to be privy to a little glimpse of what happens behind them."

Secrets and walls. Remus knows that his friends see him like this, bricked up and private but he feels anything but. Sometimes, especially around Sirius, Remus feels like his whole body is like one of those muggle notice boards made of tiny lights that show a scrolling account of the news. 'He's such a shit and I love him in spite of it, because of it, I hate this," is what he's sure his notice board is currently displaying in red lights right across the high point of his cheeks. In an attempt at self preservation, Remus ducks his head and turns back to his food.

 

 

The following evening Remus arrives at the hospital and quickly navigates the halls to Sirius' office. He's running late and feeling anxious about it, but he needn't have worried because Healer Black is very much still working. From his vantage point in the doorway Remus can see two young men and a young woman standing opposite Sirius on either side of a large wooden desk.

"Look. When I took you on I explained that I'm not much for this kind of step by step monitoring, but that was assuming that we could all be trusted to show up prepared, and follow the general guidelines we were given. This is twice now that I've gotten owls from patients or family members who felt that their needs were being dismissed and I'll not have it happen again." Sirius delivers this speech largely to his desk as he seems to search through the stacks of parchment and folders for something in particular. "Each of you came to me under the recommendation of healers that I trust, but I run my team according to my rules, and regardless of your thoughts on my methods, I expect you to follow my instructions."

Both the woman in the middle and the young man to her right are visibly squirming under Sirius' reproach. She's shifting her weight subtly from foot to foot, and he's well on his way to wearing a hole into the cuff of his left sleeve, but Remus only has eyes for Sirius.

There's something about the way he stands as he straightens that isn't just the cocksure stance of a rich boy who knows he's good. This is a man who has trained for this moment, a healer who had seen his capabilities tested and knows he's among the best. The schoolboy confidence that amazed Remus and never failed to give him that aching feeling of envy has been replaced by a calm, earned assurance of his own skill and Remus finds it intoxicating. Before him is a man who has walked into someone else's worst nightmare with the confidence that he, and maybe he alone, can put their family member, lover, friend, back together again.

"To be fair, Healer Black," says the third intern. He's stood a little apart from the others bearing the recognizable stance of 'good breeding' as Sirius' parents had once described it. "Our duty is to see to the treatment of our patients, not to meet their every need. One of these complaints was about something better addressed by an ironsmith than a healer. Am I really expected to take up the craft simply because a patient asks it?"

The intern doesn't stand a chance. He may have spotted the long hair tied up less than neatly and the tattoos sneaking out the cuffs of Sirius' healer's robes and thought he could get away with a bit of cheek but before he's even opened his mouth to reply, Sirius has made it clear who holds the power here. Hips forward, legs slightly wider apart than necessary, shoulders just as straight as they were that first day on the train, Sirius knows the language of authority and he's drawing on all of his very own 'good breeding' to use it to his advantage here. 

"What I expect, Alexis," the diminutive use of his given name is intentional and won't be missed, "is for you to carry out your duties as an intern on my team in exactly the way I ask. If your patient needs an ironsmith you will either find one or become one, is that understood?"

Remus wants this. Wants this feeling of sureness as much as he wants to see how those hip bones feel under his palms. He wants to let his knees slack, just a little, and know that those shoulders will hold him up. Wants to open himself up and know that Sirius has everything under control.

"Ah, Remus!," Sirius says with a smile that Remus swears could melt the ice caps, before turning back to the interns. "I want these patients added to tomorrow's rotation and each of you will be personally cleaning up the messes you've made. I expect a full report by tomorrow end of day." Then motioning for Remus to come in, "now, I think we've left my dinner date waiting quite long enough. Time to get out, please." Alexis passes Remus first with an appraising sneer, but it is the female intern's sad sort of smile that makes Remus wish Sirius was a little less flippant with his words. Dinner date, he thinks. Hardly.

Dinner is at a pub near the hospital where they run into a couple of the junior healers who flush and giggle over Sirius. He's a flirt. Who wouldn't be if they looked like that, but Remus sees the way they defer to him, sneak their opinions in as suggestions, too afraid to take a stance only to find out he's already debunked and rejected their approach. This is Sirius as he knows him best. The Sirius who took to transfiguration like a fish to water, even more so after mastering the animagi process, Sirius who stripped a muggle bike, then built it back up better than before saying only 'it just made more sense this way'. This is the Sirius that duels like he's dancing, confident, joyful, sure footed at every turn and Remus can't force himself to look away.

 

 

In the morning Remus is up first, papers spread over the table as he begins to reign in the pages and pages of notes he's made over the last two days.

"Come on Moony, even the world's foremost authority on runic translation needs to take a break to eat."

"You know I'm not, Pads. And I have eaten."

"Tea and toast? Nice try, but you know I'll not have you keeping up your monastic diet while you're under my roof. Now make some room for these plates."

"Yes mum."

"Let's get you out of the house again today. You look a bit like you haven't been outside in months. It's time to catch up," Sirius says, earning him a snort and a "gee, thanks," from Remus. "Why don't you come round the hospital and we'll get some lunch. If you're willing, I've got a patient I'd like your advice about. We could talk about it then?"

"A patient? Didn't know you were doing book repair at St Mungo's now. I'm intrigued," Remus says around a bite of his eggs.

"Good. That should keep you motivated to get through those notes in time to meet me," Sirius replies, rising to gather his things. "I'll meet you at one in the lobby?"

"One condition," Remus says, getting him a raised eyebrow in response. "You take me for a curry at the place by the park."

"Touring the favourites, I see," Sirius laughs, heading for the door. "Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade
> 
> Because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are. It's wild.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius studies a terrible painting, lunch is eaten, and Remus finds out the truth about Sirius' patients.

Once they've placed their orders and found a table, Sirius gets straight to the point.

"So, my patient," he begins. "Her name is Emily and she is nine years old. She was referred to me just after she was attacked, not this past moon, but the one before."

"She's, she's a werewolf?," Remus asks, eyebrows raised in alarm.

"Yes. We got her all patched up after the initial attack, and started her on a programme of physical therapy to address the larger muscle damage, and then three weeks ago we brought her into the containment cells to confirm that she'd been infected. And she has."

"Why…," Remus begins to ask, but he's interrupted by the arrival of their food. Both men are hungry but the way neither of them make a move toward their cutlery, it's obvious that neither is in a hurry to eat until they've finished talking.

"I didn't think you did emergency work? Why was she brought to you?," Remus begins again.

"I don't. And truthfully I didn't here either, the emergency healers did most of the initial response, I only got her once she was stable," Sirius answers, but he won't meet Remus' eye. Remus suspects that he's leaving something out, but he isn't sure whether to push him on it. In for a penny, he thinks.

"Okay. So I'm still not understanding why she's your patient? The last we talked about it, you were working with adults," Remus ventures, thinking he's willing to push just a little more, but it's probably his last chance if he wants to avoid a conflict.

"I was. I am. Well, it's a little more complicated than that. I was specializing in treating patients with long lasting curse damage but, even before the end of my training, I started accumulating a number of werewolf patients." Sirius can feel himself slipping into the tone he uses for teaching the junior healers, but the detachment is making this easier so he leaves it alone. "At first they came to me looking for someone with experience in anticipating future problems, muscle damage that might lead to chronic pain, or putting together regiments to support arthritic joints. The same sort of problems come up in my speciality all the time because of the way curse damage tends to worsen over time. After a while, word spread that I had a decent bedside manner and could put together a pretty good preventative healing plan, and since then my practice has almost exclusively been the treatment of wolves."

Throughout Sirius' explanation he'd found it much too hard to look directly at Remus, and instead had delivered his words to a poorly executed painting of a ship in harbour that was hanging just above his left shoulder. He's just started to wrap his head around what is so wrong about the perspective in the painting when Remus speaks and Sirius startles. The jerk of his head causes him to look in time to catch the flash of bewilderment on Remus' face.

"Really?"

"Yup. It turns out that healers who seem invested in a werewolf's future health are hard to come by," Sirius says with a wry smile. "As you and I both know, Madame Pomfrey was always more of the exception than the rule."

Remus nods in response but his mind is clearly somewhere else. Sirius knows that he's avoided talking about the specifics of his job with Remus because something about it makes him anxious for approval or just some reassurance that he hasn't overstepped, but in this moment, he's just happy that Remus seems like he doesn't want to talk about it either.

"Okay, so Emily?," Remus says, finally. "What is it you wanted advice about?".

"Oh, she's amazing, Moony. You are going to love her," Sirius says, grateful for the shift to this easier subject. "Emily is the first new werewolf we've seen in quite some time and she's very young, so while I generally recommend that my patients make contact with other werewolves through one of our groups, I'd like to do something a little different for her."

"One of your groups…," Remus says as if repeating the words back to himself will help him make sense of them.

"Yes. We have groups, like support groups? For wolves and families of wolves and the like. They get together and share resources, childcare, advice. I try to go when I can, if only to check in and muck about with the kids," Sirius says dismissively. "Anyway, Emily is a bit young to find companionship with our group just yet, and given that her whole family is muggle and new to all of this, I thought you might be willing to meet with her and her parents and maybe see if they've got anything they'd like to ask you."

Sirius is feeling more confident now that he's finally gotten to the part of this conversation he's excited about, and he's beginning to tuck into his food with abandon. So much so that it takes him a minute to realize that Remus isn't answering, in fact he isn't moving at all. Unless there is suddenly something very interesting growing out of the side of Sirius' head, he's pretty sure that Remus is staring intently at the wall behind him.

"Rem? Are you okay?," Sirius asks, voice quiet as he sets his cutlery back down on the table.

"You treat werewolves now?," Remus asks. "You put wolves in contact with each other so they can help each other and you plan for their futures?"

Remus' voice is measured in a way that makes the hair on Sirius' neck stand up. Something is going to happen here and Sirius can't tell what it is, but he does know it's too late to stop it coming. Deciding to sit quietly and brace for the impact, Sirius settles his hands in his lap and waits.

"Why?," Remus asks, his voice still distant and deliberate. "Why do you…?"

"Why do I work with werewolves?," Sirius ventures, when it's clear that Remus won't continue. "To be honest, it mostly happened by accident, but after the way I've seen you treated over the years, and after hearing my patients tell me about the terrible treatment they've received from other healers, I don't think I could have brought myself to turn them away. Besides, how else would I get to meet kids like Emily?"

This seems to shake something loose for Remus' who blinks his eyes a couple of times and returns to slowly eating his lunch. Sirius lets go of the breath he'd been holding and decides to finish his food before continuing. Remus, though no more animated, is at least not staring into space anymore and Sirius is willing to count that as a win for the moment.

It isn't until the plates have been cleared away and the bill paid that Sirius tries again, "So, do you think you might be willing to meet with the Adams'?"

"Adams'? Oh, is that Emily's family?" Remus is still speaking slowly, a little dazed, but he's talking again at least. "Yes. Yes, I'd like that."

"Wonderful. But I have one more little request," Sirius says with a cheeky grin.

"What's that?"

"Could the rest of the pack come as well?," Sirius' smile is bright and playful now. Remus is keenly aware that this smile means I've got a plan Moony, and you may, or may not, like it. Whatever. Remus has never been good at resisting this smile, why start now.

"What's your plan, Pads?," Remus answers with a slow smile.

"As Emily's healer I can tell you that she is well on her way to recovery from the initial attack and should be home as early as the weekend, but as her friend I can also tell you that her whole family is very nervous about what comes next. Obviously I can bring her in to the cells for transformations and make sure that I'm there to treat any injuries she sustains but in the interest of her long term health I'd like to do more," Sirius is speaking gently now. For all that they've spent nearly a hundred moons together, Remus is still quite private about the way the wolf effects his personal sense of self. Aside from the odd outburst or the rare time he's allowed himself to break down in front of his friends, they really haven't spoken about it at all and Sirius is nervous about dipping into those feelings now.

"Emily is young, healthy, and has access to Wolfsbane, which are all great indicators for her going forward, but she's also navigating the beginnings of finding herself suddenly very different than everyone around her," Remus is looking at the ground as Sirius speaks, but his hands are loose and his shoulders don't seem particularly tight, so Sirius continues. "I was thinking that if the Adams' could meet and talk to you, and had the chance to meet Moony's pack, they might be able to start to see a way in which Emily continues to grow up surrounded by people who love her, regardless of her difference."

Remus is gnawing on his lip, but he hasn't moved away and, at this point, Sirius is just so, so hopeful that he's reading these signals properly. "I'd like you to meet her. I think you'll really like her. And I think she could really benefit from knowing you. What do you say?"

Sirius counts to ten in his head once, twice, three times before Remus finally looks up and meets his eye. "Can I talk to them alone first?"

Goodness, he's wonderful, Sirius thinks as he looks at the furrow between Remus' brows. This wonderful, gentle, man who is still so much the frightened little boy that thought for sure his friends would abandon him when they learned his secret. More than anything Sirius wants to pull Remus into him and tell him that he loves him, needs him, will never let him hurt again. So much so that pushing the urge down takes a minute and Sirius covers for the pause with a sip of his water.

"I was hoping you would," Sirius answers with a smile. "Emily has been pretty open with me but I think she probably has a long list of questions she'd much rather ask you without me there. As for her parents, it's up to you what you share with them. I'll give them as little, or as much information about you in advance as you want."

"Okay," Remus says now, firmer, more resolve in his voice. "I think you can tell them whatever you like? I suspect they'll feel better knowing that we're friends and that I was also infected as a child, just add whatever else you think will help, I guess?"

"I will. But I don't think they'll take much convincing," Sirius says with a soft smile. He's lost in thinking about how Remus' calm voice and strong stature have always been enough to carry him through the scariest parts of his life. Sirius has no doubt that meeting Remus is exactly what the Adams need to help them see a way forward. "Is there anything you'd like to know about them?"

Remus thinks for a minute then asks, "tell me about Emily?"

Sirius can't help the laughter that comes bubbling up. Once he manages to get himself back under control he shoots Remus a knowing smile and says "Oh, no. All you need to know about Emily is that she'll give your snark a run for its money any day. You are going to love her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you feel it? Is it tickling your nose yet? Can you handle this much fluff?

Remus is nervous the whole way to the hospital. He's spent the morning digging his way through the darkest corners of the university's library storage with his mind half on meeting Mr and Mrs Adams the whole time. Even after nearly twenty years as a werewolf he can count the number of times he's actually talked to someone about the experience on one hand. What will they want to know? Aren't my parents better suited for this? What can I possibly tell them to make this better?, Remus asks himself as he makes his way through to the room Sirius has had reserved for them.

It takes fifteen minutes of talking to the Adams' for Remus to finally stop hearing the loud beating of his own heart up and over everything they say. It takes ten more for Mrs Adams to say the words that snap him back into the present and make him understand why Sirius wanted him to come.

"She's our little girl, Remus, and I can't do anything for her."

"You, you can though," he stutters out awkwardly, like the first turn of an engine left idle too long. "You can help her just like my parents helped me." His voice and brain are working together again now, and he pushes forward. "My parents spent years trying to find me a cure. They used time they didn't have, and spent money they'd never have, to try to make the wolf go away, but they couldn't. You can't. But that doesn't mean you can't help her. My parents helped me every day. They cared for me and patched me up and learned everything they could about my condition. And they loved me. Not in spite of the wolf, but with the wolf. They loved me as I was, even when I couldn't. That's how you can help."

Mrs and Mr Adams have turned their bodies far enough toward each other now that their knees are almost touching in their side by side thin framed arm chairs. Mr Adams is clasping one of Mrs Adams' hands tightly in both of his own, while she uses the other to dab at her tearing eyes with a tissue.

Feeling his own eyes start to water, Remus looks away from their intimacy and bows his head as he continues. "Acceptance, love, a chance,… just acceptance."

Looking up from his hands now, Remus looks at each of Emily's parents in turn before he speaks. "All I wanted, all I've ever wanted, is to be known, and judged, and loved for who I am. Give Emily that, show her that that is possible, and you will have given her everything."

 

 

"If it was so important to keep your lycanthropy a secret that the whole staff of the school was involved in hiding it, how did your friends find out you were a werewolf?," Mr Adams asks, once they are all back in Emily's room.

"Well, Sirius figured it out. You might have noticed that he is rather dogged when he's found something he's interested in?" The pun earns Remus a snort. "He went to the others with his suspicions and then they came to me."

"Weren't you afraid? Why didn't you go to a teacher?," Emily is speaking to Sirius now, a look of trepidation on her face.

"I think our friend Peter was. And James was at least a little bit wary, although, if you ask him today, I'm sure he'd deny that. But Sirius," here Remus nods in Sirius direction. "was a very impetuous child. There was no way he was going to be afraid of something just because he was told to. As for why they didn't take it to a teacher, you'd have to ask them. I would have."

"Oh, no one with any sense took things to the teachers. They always found a way to muck it up and land us in detention anyway," Sirius says derisively and Remus laughs.

"Pretty sure you handled getting the detentions all by yourself."

"Anyway," Sirius continues, throwing a look at Remus. "I'm sure you're not interested in my illustrious behavioral history, so let's get back to your question. I was impetuous, there was that. But more than that, Emily, I wasn't afraid because I knew Remus before I knew about the wolf, before I knew the wolf. And come on, you've been with him half an hour now, is he scary?"

Emily gives a sheepish shake it her head, and Sirius continues, "I already knew Remus, Emily, and I already loved him. Finding out he was a werewolf didn't change any of that."

Sirius looks up then to see Remus watching him through his lashes, head tilted down towards the folded hands in his lap. There's a soft smile on both their faces now and the room is silent for just a beat too long as Emily's parents look up and catch each other's eyes.

"Does it get easier?," Emily asks into the silence.

"Yes, and no." Remus looks pained, his brow pulled tight. "The transformation itself still hurts just as badly as it did at your age but in so many little ways it has gotten easier to handle".

Nodding his chin toward Sirius, Remus' lips lift into a small smile. "Once my friends figured out my secret, things I had been struggling through on my own quietly got better as they started to work out all the ways I had been trying to manage the pain." He chuckles quietly. "One of them must have spoken to the house elves in the kitchens because from third year on, if I sat in the second seat from the end of the table at dinner on the days leading up to the full moon, a barely cooked steak would appear," Remus says with a fond look in his face. "Regardless of what else was being served."

"That was Peter, he did always have a way with the kitchen elves," Sirius says through a smile 

"Well, he was their most frequent customer." A shared chuckle passes between the men before Remus continues. "One of my favourites was when James remembered that when he was sick as a boy, his mother would put warming charms on his bed in the evenings, and so James started charming my bed in the week around the full. There's nothing nicer than a warm bed when your body is hurting," Remus says, almost wistful.

"Sirius here also played a part by charming my bed softer and keeping all my chocolate hiding places stocked, although I never once managed to catch him at it"

"That is the beauty of house elves, Moony. I had the chocolate delivered directly to housekeeping at the start of every month," Sirius says with a smirk.

"Of course you did. I don't suppose you moved your other contraband in the same way?"

"Sorry. That secret stays between me and the elves." Sirius says miming a zipper across his lips, though the mischievous look in his eyes gives him away.

"Speaking of questionable and potentially illegal choices, my friends also worked together to give me one incredible gift. But I think I'll let Sirius tell that part of the story," Remus stands from his seat by Emily's bed. "Budge over, Emily, this will be fun and I think you've got the best seat in the room to see it, so I'm coming up with you."

Emily, looking a little surprised, quietly shuffles herself over on the hospital bed, making room for Remus as he climbs up to join her.

"Thank you Remus for making me sound like a troublemaker in front of my patient," Sirius says, in a mockery of a scolding. "While it was truthful, I don't appreciate it." This last with a smile.

Settling his face into something more serious, Sirius turns to the Adams, "This next bit was reckless, and it was born it of desperation, as so many reckless things are. When Remus admitted to being a werewolf, I made him a promise to help him in any way I could. To never stop helping him." A quick glance tells Sirius that Remus' cheeks have pinked just slightly, suggesting that he is also thinking back to the overtly earnest conversation they'd shared in Remus' bunk the night of his confession. "And yes, we gave him chocolate, and took notes for him when he missed classes, and stayed with him in the hospital wing while he recovered, but he was still suffering. Before the Wolfsbane Remus had little to no control in the body of the wolf. Once the moon rose and the transformation was complete, the wolf took over. Wolves are inherently pack animals and feral ones at that, so Remus' wolf, caged as it was for safety, would grow anxious and angry and turn on itself in frustration. Moons? Have you talked to them at all about…?"

"Yes, they've seen some of the scars", Remus answers, very quietly, without looking up.

"Okay, so you can imagine what it was like for us to wait all night worrying that our friend was hurting himself, not knowing how badly he might be injured, or if he'd survive the night."

Emily's parents have tight expressions in their faces as they nod in tandem, while Emily looks quietly at Remus where he fidgets with the sheets beside her.

"Peter and James and I took to learning everything we could find out about werewolves in order to find a way to help and then one day, I figured it out," Sirius says, squaring his shoulders as if still proud of his moment of inspiration. "One of our teachers had a particular skill that I suspected we might be able to use to keep Remus company during the transformation. Now, since you are not wizards, I need to stop here and give you some context," and just like that, Sirius is using his Healer voice again. Remus can't help but smile proudly at this wonderful, capable man. "You've seen us here, in the hospital, using all sorts of small magical maneuvers to improve the lives of our patients but there is also big, impressive magic. Some of it so big and impressive that it needs to be regulated in order to keep people safe. What we were attempting to do was to bypass those regulations, carry out dangerous and complicated magic, do it without help and do it without Remus finding out."

Emily glances between Remus and Sirius before asking, "Why? Why couldn't Remus know? You were trying to help him, weren't you?"

"Yes, we were. But Remus is sensible, Emily," Sirius explains, as if sensible is the most disappointing thing a person can be, before laughing to himself and continuing. "And this plan was anything but. Remus, would you have wanted us to take this on had you known about it? Even knowing now what it would give you?"

The "No," comes fast and hard from Remus before Sirius has even finished speaking. He's had a lot of time to think about this and he still wouldn't risk his friends for anything, even his safety.

"And are you a little bit happy that I'm a reckless fool, and went ahead without telling you?," Sirius asks smugly.

Remus answers as if he's breathing out after holding his breath for minutes, "More than anything."

"You see, Emily, sometimes reckless works," Sirius says, sticking his out tongue playfully at Remus. Remus sends a look back at Sirius but he only laughs in reply.

"Sirius. Sirius Black. Answer your mirror!"

"Oh! One second?," Sirius asks the Adams' before digging into the pockets of his Healer's robes.

Raising the mirror he finds, he speaks directly into the glass. "Are you guys here? Great. Room 1204. You're just in time."

"It's a two way mirror. Could do the same with a telephone I suppose, but where's the fun in that?" The Adams both give a little smile, clearly still trying to wrap their heads around all the new things they are learning about the magical world. "Our plan involved very sophisticated spell work, some arduous, and disgusting I might add, potions and months and months of practice, but finally, after two and a half years of research and hard work we were able to finally show Remus the results."

There's a knock on the door which Sirius answers with a shout and then James and Peter are making their way inside.

"Hello, Mr and Mrs Adams, I'm James Potter and this is Peter Pettigrew. You must be Emily! I'm told you are very clever."

"I'm told you're insufferable," Emily replies without missing a beat.

"Oh, Pads, I like her," then turning to Emily, "I like you very much."

"Nice to meet you Emily."

"You too, Peter."

"Alright, here we are, Prongs, Wormtail, I want to remind you that Emily's parents are not wizards and have only recently become acquainted with the magical world"

James is the first to respond "Ooh! This is going to be good. Are there silencing charms up?"

"Yes. I had that thought as well," says Remus. It's obvious from the look that passes between them that they are both excited about what is about to happen.

"This could get loud, Emily. Are either of your parents fainters, by chance?," Peter asks. The men are getting giddy now and can't help but let it seep out in their tone, the jokes, the way they've made Emily one of them by addressing only her.

"Not that I know of, but my mother has been known to shriek when she sees a spider," Emily answers. Kids love a chance to deliver a dig at one of their parents, and Emily is only too happy to indulge in it now.

Looking at Emily's parents "Either of you afraid of rodents? No? Good." The Adams share a look that says that this seems an odd question, but really what about this isn't odd?

"Okay, so we're up to the part of the story where we are about to reveal our hard work to Moony and they know just as much as he did about it." Sirius says to his friends. "Are you ready? On three? 1...2...3!"

Suddenly, where the men had been standing there is a large black dog, and a stag lowering himself onto his knees to let a small, grey rat climb onto his head.

Hopping down from the bed Remus walks over to the animals, rubbing James on the head, and petting Peter gently before bending down to nuzzle the dog in the soft fur of his neck. "May I introduce Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail."

"I missed you." Quiet, just loud enough for Padfoot alone to hear him. The dog turns his head to nuzzle the man back and Remus stands, inviting Emily and her parents to meet his friends.

"Their gift to me was a pack. Without other wolves, my wolf was hurting himself, hurting me, and since they couldn't safely be around me as humans, they became animals. For me."

"How does this work? They can change at will? Can they understand us? Can you do this too?" Mrs Adams questions come so fast they are tripping over themselves on the way out of her mouth.

"No, I am only a wolf by force", Remus answers, a trace of bitterness just at the edges of his voice, "I can't change at will, the way they can. And yes, they can understand us. Padfoot, what's 12 divided by 6?"

"Woof woof!"

A quiet "good boy" is accompanied by a scratch behind the ears and is received by a ridiculously proud looking dog who leans into the touch and let's his eyes drop closed for just a second.

"Alright, that's enough. Let's have you back, then," Remus says as he straightens up.

The Adams are just as taken with the transformation back and Remus delights in watching them. He can remember exactly what it was like the first time his friends showed him this fantastic bit of magic. The relief on Peter's face once they'd changed back made it clear just how touch and go the whole operation had been and yet, of course, Sirius and James showed none of that, prancing (ha!) as they were around the room, obviously proud of their own achievement. And then Sirius, always watchful, placing his hand on Remus' shoulder where he'd slid down the wall in an attempt to still his buckling legs. "Alright there, Moony?" Sirius, of course it was Sirius, who else would have had a plan so daft and dangerous and unbelievably stupid? He had a pack now, and he had Sirius to thank. And now Emily did too.

"Emily, my pack and I have a request." Remus leans his body forward slightly and outstretches his hand in Emily's direction, "Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs do hereby invite you to join our pack. Now, before you answer, some details. Firstly, the invite is, in itself, an acceptance. Which is to say that, in our eyes, you are already a member of our pack. That means that if you need anything, a friend, a shoulder, an answer, we are here and ready to help. Questions, no matter how small and trivial, no matter how big and frightening. Do you understand?" A nearly imperceptible nod, "good."

"Secondly, since I started taking the Wolfsbane, I am no longer a danger to myself during the full moon, but our pack still likes to get together and run like we did in school when we can make it work. As a member of our pack you would be invited to do the same, provided your parents are willing to lend you to us."

Wide eyed, Emily turns to her parents. Before she even had time to form the words, Moony continues

"Sirius, Healer Black," and Sirius is distracted for a second thinking about how good that honorific sounds coming from Remus' mouth. "Has assured us that, provided you cooperate fully with your physical therapy and continue healing as you have been, you should be able to be home this weekend. That would mean that you would, should your parents agree, be able to transform with us this Tuesday." Emily is practically thrumming with excitement as Remus turns to address her parents.

"Now, Mr and Mrs Adams, my friends tell me they had plans for this full but that they are willing to throw them all away to make this easier for Emily. It seems your daughter is far more exciting than my visit, but I can't blame them really. The puppy here" Remus throws a look at Sirius, who returns it with a shameless grin, "undoubtedly is looking forward to someone who can keep up with him for a change"

"Oh, now, Moony. Just because you've gotten old and boring didn't mean we don't love you any less," laughs James, while obviously winking at Emily, as if to say, yes, yes it does.

"Besides, young and boring wasn't much different was it?," adds Pete, earning him a chuckle from James and a smack on the arm from Remus.

Turning to Mrs and Mr Adams, Remus continues, "Please ignore them. I do," which gets him a scoff from James. "Our suggestion for this moon is to use my parents farm for the transformation. The property is still warded to keep me safe during transformations and with a few modifications will do the same for Emily. I know that the Wolfsbane will help Emily keep her wits about her in her wolf form, and that my pack would be able to contain her just as well as they did me, but I think it might give us all some peace of mind if we knew she was contained this first time out. Agreed?"

"Yes. But can you explain what warding is?," asks Mr Adams tentatively. Ah, right, Remus thinks. Muggles.

"Of course. In this case, you can think of it like fencing. The wards provide a sort of invisible fence around the property that stops humans from passing in and werewolves from passing out. It would allow Emily to enter the farmyard in her human form, contain her safely during the transformation, and allow her to pass back out again afterwards," Remus explains.

"But we wouldn't be able to come in?," Mr Adams clarifies and Remus doesn't envy them the amount of learning they've had to do in such a short time. He's grateful that his mother had already been exposed to the magical world before he was bitten. He can't imagine making the whole leap at once.

"No. The warding is specific to individuals. For safety it will only allow members of our pack to enter. Even though no one doubts that Emily will be safe, this ensures that no one is caught off guard by a wandering neighbour, and allows us a bit more control over Emily's environment while she gets used to her wolf form."

Mr and Mrs Adams are shifting uncomfortably while Emily is looking back and forth at them intensely. It's clear she's anxious that they won't let her come.

"You will, however, be able to watch her from the house," Sirius says, breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh yes! My parents, Lyall and Hope, will be home and will happily take the two of you in for the night," Remus adds, warmly. "We can keep Emily relatively near the house if you like, which will let you watch her. And my father is capable of both upholding and breaking the wards in case something goes wrong." Remus adds this last part knowing that Emily's parents are wrestling with handing their daughter over to virtual strangers during her first unsupervised transformation.

Emily's voice breaks quietly through the silence "Can I? I'd like to...Can we try it?"

"I'd like," Mr Adams begins slowly, "I'd like a day to think about this, and to talk to the rest of Emily's care team about their concerns but I ...I like it. To be honest, it sounds like an awful lot of fun?"

He says the last part looking at his wife who has a grin on her face that makes Remus think she'd have fit right in with the Marauders at Hogwarts. He suspects she and Lily are going to get along like a house on fire. 

James, ever the leader, steps forward to talk to Mr Adams about the security measures in place at the Lupin Farm while Peter helps him find ways to explain some of the trickier magic. Sirius has just turned to Mrs Adams to ask after today's progress when Emily speaks up.

"Remus?" She asks, nervously, "can I see your bite mark?"

"Oh honey, that might be a bit private?," Mrs Adams cautions, stealing a glance at Remus while she speaks.

"Really, it's okay," Remus replies as he lifts his shirt and lowers the waistband of his trousers an inch or so to let Emily see the scar that has stretched over time. Sirius steps closer to Remus and turns his head to rest on the back of the other man's shoulder. Remus turns into the touch and Sirius slides his hand over the bite mark as Remus lowers his shirt. The two men stand like that, eyes closed, heads holding each other together until James, noticing the shift in the room, begins making their excuses to leave.

He is, it seems, arranging a dinner in celebration of Emily's hospital release as motivation for her to do her physical therapy exercises, Always the coach, that James, as Sirius and Remus pull apart to say their goodbyes.

"It was very nice to meet you Emily," Remus says as he readies to leave. "Sirius told me this would be fun, and he was right. You are going to make an excellent packmate, wolf." He shakes her hand and wraps one arm around her to pull her close. Emily rests her head on his chest and brings her arm up around his back while her mother watches, tears just starting to gather in her eyes.

"I'll see you tomorrow young lady. I want good news from the overnight healers," Sirius says as he steps to the door. "Oh and, you'll need a name, packmate. Think about it, you'll want a good one or you'll be stuck with something silly like Wormtail," he says, winking ridiculously as he steps through the door.

After shaking hands with Emily's parents the men start to leave before Remus stops and turns and speaks.

"Do me another favour?" Emily's parents turn and look at him expectantly. "Touch her. Touch her all the time. Hug her, hold her hand, show her that you're not afraid of her. People are going to say horrible things and she is going to believe them, but you can show her, in small ways, every day, that she's loved, that she's the same beautiful girl she's always been." Mrs Adams grips her husband's hand a little tighter, and he offers a curt nod and a sad smile.

James smiles broadly at both of them in turn, "And dinner? Please do come. I want her to meet my family, see that my wife isn't afraid of her. Have her hold my baby, play with him, make him laugh. She needs to know that people love her and trust her, exactly as she is. We'd very much like to be some of those people."

When they walk away James' arm is around Moony's shoulders, Sirius keeps a hand on the small of his back. Small touches, small reminders. We love you, we trust you, we love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... This one goes tenderness, angst, some laughs with Dorlene, then more angst. Sorry about that.

"Oh Lily, you're going to love her. She called James insufferable before he'd even managed to cross the room," Sirius says as the four of them are sitting around the Potter's table that night at dinner. It's a close one, but he manages to avoid the smack that James aims at the back of his head.

Remus, who's been a little quiet since they left the hospital, is pushing his food around his plate when he finally realizes Lily is trying to get his attention.

"Sorry, Lily?"

"I was just asking how you and Emily got on. Do you think she'll warm up to you enough to let you help her?"

"Maybe you should ask Pads about that. She's clearly got a bit of a thing for him," replies James, reaching across the table for seconds.

"On me? You sure about that? She looked pretty comfy with Moony, I think," Sirius answers with a wink in Remus' direction.

"Feeling threatened, Pads? You might be losing your touch with the ladies," Remus replies, stifling a yawn.

Lily, blinking, as if to clear her thoughts, looks one more time at Remus as of she's about to speak, then shakes her head and asks "Do you guys want to stay the night?."

"No, I think we'll head home," Remus replies through another yawn.

And Sirius, Sirius, smiles into his lap, a flush touching his cheeks and the tips of his ears. He called it home.

"Go on then, we'll clean up here," Lily says softly. Remus is tired, sure, but there's something else there. Oh, well. I'll just have to bring it up later, she thinks as she walks the boys to the door.

Sirius apparates them both directly into the flat, glad for the firm arm he has around Remus as his exhausted friend stumbles the landing and nearly pulls them both down.

"I got you, Moons," Sirius says quietly into Remus' temple as he steadies them both. "To bed with you, sleepyhead."

Remus is halfway to the hall when Sirius hears him, "Thank you."

"For what?," Sirius replies, barely audible.

"For Emily. For looking after her." Remus is looking straight at Sirius now, an intensity to his eyes that doesn't fit his obviously tired posture.

"It's my job, Moons." Is it possible Sirius has gotten quieter? He's not sure he's even spoken out loud until Remus answers.

"No it isn't, pads. Your job was to patch her up and send her home to work out the details with the Ministry. This… This is well beyond that."

Sirius shuffles his feet a bit, he can't seem to settle on a safe place to look with Moony eyes staring right into him like this.

"You're not the kid I met on that train, Pads," Remus says softly.

"Course not, Moony. That kid hadn't met you yet," Sirius says to the curls that are just falling over Remus' left ear. He can't meet Remus' eye, but he's trying.

"Night pads."

"Night."

 

 

When Sirius comes out of his room in the morning Remus is kneeling on the hearth, his head stuck in the green flames. Moving closer Sirius can see Marlene and Dorcas' living room on the other side and hears Remus say "Great, so come by ours around seven."

Home, ours. Sirius feels like he's floating as he moves into the kitchen to see if there's any tea left in the pot.

"You seem happy this morning," Remus comments, as Sirius pours himself the last of the tea and sets about fishing his cigarettes out of his jacket pocket.

"I am," he replies as he shrugs the jacket on.

"I've invited Marlene and Dorcas around for supper," Remus says. "If that's alright?"

"Of course it's alright. I'll help you tidy up once I've finished here," he says while tapping a cigarette out of the pack in his hand. "Why wouldn't it be alright?"

"Don't know. You could have had plans. Are you going to tell me why you're so happy?"

"No. I'm going to keep this. It's small and silly and won't mean anything to anyone else anyway. I'd like to keep it," Sirius says as he moves back into the kitchen. Remus stares curiously after him but lets it go.

Taking his tea and cigarette to the window, Sirius climbs out to smoke on the fire escape.

"You still smoke outside?" Remus asks as he pushes up with his arms to make his way out the window.

"You told me you didn't mind the smoking as long as I did it outside," Sirius replies.

"But I don't…," Remus lets the sentence hang.

"Yeah. Thanks for that. I know," Sirius says around the first drag.

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Remus tries again.

"Can I ask how you're doing?"

"Do you have to?," Sirius answers tightly.

They're not looking at each other. Just out, over the buildings across the street, squarely into the middle distance.

"I hate to think of you sad, Pads. And your letters were all so positive, how you loved your job, records you'd bought, things you were doing, then James tells me you slept in my room for months after I left and then when I asked Lily about it, she told me it wasn't her story to tell," barely turning his head, Remus ventures a look at Sirius. "I'd like to hear it."

Sirius rises as he stubs out the butt of his smoke and says sadly, "you couldn't just let me have this," as he makes his way back through the window. "I'm having a shower, I'll clean the bathroom while I'm in there."

It's not until Remus hears the water running that he's able to lift himself and start making his way back inside.

 

After taking an extraordinary amount of time to shower and shave, Sirius cleans the bathroom and retreats into his room to dress. His good mood is gone for good now, he supposes. So much for that then. After a half hour, or so, Remus pokes his head into the room to say he's going to pop out to the shops to get some food for tonight and Sirius offers to make sure the kitchen is clean in his absence, and the day continues like this, the two of them working separately toward the same goal until Marlene and Dorcas arrive.

"So, Sirius, where have you been hiding yourself?," Marlene asks after they've finished all the hugs and how are you's and it's been so long's that come with seeing friends after an absence.

"I've been right here, Marls," he answers. "Just busy with work, that's all."

"So you're liking it then?," asks Dorcas. Sirius and Dorcas have never been close but she's Marlene's girlfriend and one of Remus' closest friends, and she's got a way of smoothing over some of the edge that comes with Sirius and Marlene's too similar personalities.

"Yeah, yeah, I really do."

"Always thought you'd do something daring after school," Marlene says. "Auror maybe? Curse breaker?"

Remus looks thoughtful at this and Sirius is reminded how few people actually know him. Sure, he'd been daring in school. Always the first to pull a prank, right a wrong with his fists if necessary, but his real friends know that he has never really liked the aggression. Too much having to fight as a child will put you off it quickly, he thinks.

"To be honest, I think a lot of people expected that of me, but I've always been interested in healing. I spent a lot of time with Madame Pomfrey at school. She was a force to behold when she was working."

"Well, at least something good came of all those pranks, then," Marlene laughs.

"What? Oh, yeah. I guess," Sirius stumbles over the words while looking at Remus. Quickly recovering, he grins wide and cheeky while meeting Remus' eye. "Truth be told though, I think quite a lot of good came from the pranking outside of me becoming a healer."

"Thinking of something in particular?," Remus asks, a smile reaching his eyes for the first time since this morning.

"Maybe. Maybe I'm thinking about that rigged game of truth or dare we played in seventh year just before the Easter break," Sirius answers, still looking directly at Remus.

"Seventh year? Wait…," starts Dorcas. "But, that was the night that Marlene and I were dared to redecorate the third floor landing, and the staircases refused to let us back up and we had to spend the night in an empty classroom, hiding from Filch."

"Yup. That's the one," says Remus, smile bright and on the verge of spilling into laughter. "Anything else happen that night, ladies?"

"Shit!," Marlene spits out, as Dorcas begins to laugh. "You rigged that?"

"The game, the stairs, or Filch's persistence?," Remus asks, daringly. "Because the answer is all of the above. And I'd do it again. You guys were hopeless and we were sick of watching it. You're welcome."

Marlene leans over and smacks a laughing Sirius before pulling Dorcas into a kiss that isn't much more than two smiles pushed together for all the laughter in the room.

Remus and Sirius both seem relieved at the distraction from the tension of the day and as the night goes on they manage to move around each other almost easily. If they're a little awkward around each other, perhaps it can be chalked up to the months they've spent apart. If Sirius looks a little too long at Remus as he's talking, who's to notice, and if Remus watches Sirius with a tinge of longing on his face while he animatedly tells Marlene a story about work, who's to care.

Later, after dinner and drinks and too many ridiculous stories, Marlene and Dorcas are saying their goodbyes. Pulling Remus into a tight hug Dorcas leans into his ear and whispers, "you're hopeless too, you know. He misses you so much. Just talk to him." Remus doesn't answer. He can't. Pulling her closer yet he kisses the side of her head and says, "I'll see you again before I go, yeah?"

"Of course. I'll be livid if you don't," she answers, and Remus can't tell if that's about the visit or talking to Sirius, but he's definitely not going to ask.

"Come on, Babe," Dorcas calls to Marlene who is aggressively whispering something at Sirius on the other side of the room. Sirius is shaking his head and looking at the floor and Marlene gives up and just says, "Fine then, be an idiot. See where it gets you," before hugging him fiercely and heading to the fireplace to floo home.

"You look exhausted," Remus says once the women are gone and Sirius has begun starting to pick up the living room. "You should head in to bed. I'll get this."

"I'm not tired. I mean, I am but…not that kind of tired. Let's get this done." Remus watches him walking into the kitchen with a stack of plates and wonders exactly what kind of tired he is. Remus can already feel them slipping back into their earlier discomfort as he gathers bottles and glasses and follows Sirius down the hall.

Two days until Sunday, Remus thinks while he brushes his teeth. Dinner at the Potter's with Emily and her parents, and Sirius and I can't even be in the same room comfortably. Not for the first time his thoughts drift to Emily and what it is he's supposed to be offering her. Sure, he's been a werewolf for much longer than she has, but all her experiences are going to be different. She's got Wolfsbane and a pack from the start. She's got friends and supportive parents and a healer that has her best interests at heart, what does she need from a tired and broken wolf like him. Oh well, I'll be gone back to France soon anyway. Might as well enjoy it while I can, Remus thinks as he turns in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus talks to Lily and Sirius fusses.

In the morning Sirius wakes first. It's getting closer to the full and Remus is starting to need his sleep. From travel to transformation is definitely not ideal, Sirius thinks, as he starts on breakfast. It's been months since Sirius has had a full moon with Remus but he's slipped back into the patterns like breathing. Two days out what Remus needs, what Sirius will give him, is sleep and food. It's steak and eggs this morning because he can tell Remus hasn't been eating well and with a young excitable new wolf around them this month, Moony is going to need all the energy he can muster.

Just as the eggs are finishing Remus' door opens and a very sleepy, very ruffled, Remus emerges, eyes barely opened, and shuffles to the table. Sirius can't help but smile at the absurdity that this gangly, sleepy eyed man will, two nights from now, become an intimidating and magnificent wolf. Even when they were kids he'd catch Remus asleep in the common room with a book in his lap and laugh at the contrast between the boy in front of him and the wolf he'd gotten to know during their runs in the Forbidden Forest.

"Alright there, Moony?," Sirius asks while handing over a cup of tea.

"Just tired," comes the answer. Hands wrapped around the streaming mug, Remus raises his head "is that steak and eggs?"

"Yup. Going to get you all fed up before Tuesday, Moons. Something tells me Emily isn't going to want to curl up under a tree the way you like to," Sirius replies, passing a plate across the table. "The steak's barely warm, just the way you like it, Weirdo," he says with a smile.

They are both quiet while they eat, and the tension from yesterday isn't all the way gone. Remus can feel it seeping out between them in small ways. Sirius doesn't look up when he passes the tea pot, Remus' smile doesn't reach his eyes when Sirius ribs him about how tired he is. Remus is trying to figure out how to break the awkwardness when Sirius speaks up and does it for him.

"I'm sorry for being an ass yesterday. I know you were just trying to talk to me but, I...I just don't think I'm ready to talk about it."

"Okay...I can respect that," Remus starts slowly, "I just, I really don't want you to hide things from me. You told me you were happy and then I came back and, well, you're not."

"It's my problem Moony, not yours. I'm not about to ask you to interrupt your grand adventure to listen to my whinging. I'm not alone, you know. I have Prongs," Sirius says to his empty plate.

"But you don't? At least, he tells me you wouldn't talk to him either. What happened that you couldn't talk to us?," Remus says to the table, his elbows on the table, his head in his hands.

Sirius chuckles a bit at this, short and dry. "Really, it's okay. I just have to figure it out. Things change, people change and I have to figure out how to work around it." Sirius' voice is tired and sad as he continues, "don't worry about it. It's getting better. I'll get there."

"Have you thought about asking someone else to move in?" Sincerity is coming clearly through his words and it's too much for Sirius. He can't really be this oblivious, can he?

"Yeah. Right. Okay, I'm done here. You need to get some more rest this morning and I'm going to go by the hospital to see that Emily's discharge goes through. I'll be back with lunch in a few hours." Sirius is up and out of his seat before he's finished speaking, dishes in his hands. As much as he likes to do the dishes the muggle way, something about repetitive tasks and warm water, he's using magic today because he needs to leave. Now.

Before Remus can fully process that he's been dismissed, Sirius is grabbing his jacket and on his way to the floo. Remus stares after him for a long minute before resolving himself to finally get some answers out of Lily.

 

A half hour later, a bottle of Lily's favourite wine in tow, Remus is stepping through the Potter's fireplace with determination. Emerging from the kitchen, Lily takes one look at Remus and calls, "James, can you take Harry out for a bit? I've forgotten the bread for dinner and Remus is here with a look that says he's not going to be put off any longer."

There's my girl, thinks Remus as he settles himself on the couch. Lily has always been loyal but, unlike James, she knows when it's best to cut through the preciousness of ego and self protection and just tell the truth.

Ten minutes later James and Harry have been bundled out the door and Lily is coming through the kitchen with two wine glasses and a large slice of chocolate cake. Remus is grateful, and more than a little embarrassed, that his friends know him this well. He really does need to eat.

"Alright, I assume we're talking about Sirius then?," Lily asks, as she opens the wine and pours them each a glass.

"He won't talk to me, Lils. I tried again this morning after he apologized for being an ass yesterday, and he shut down and left for the hospital so fast I didn't even manage to say goodbye." Remus is turning his glass in his hands, determined not to let Lily see how hurt he is, at least, not just yet. "All he'd say it's that things change, people change, and he's trying to adapt. What changed? Did I change? Is he mad at me for leaving?" He looks up now knowing that Lily heard his voice break on that last question and there's no point in hiding anymore.

"Rem, he's not mad at you. He's hurt. He's mad at himself, he's sad, but he's not mad at you," she says softly, looking into her own glass, giving him a moment to gather himself.

"It feels like he's mad at me. He snaps at me, he won't talk to me and now I'm finding out he's been lying to me for months. Why would he do that?" Remus is aware that he's openly pleading with her now, but he can't be bothered to care. It's been days of feeling like he is being punished for something he doesn't understand and he is too tired to keep the hurt out of his voice.

"Have you considered that he didn't tell you he was hurting because he didn't want you to know?" Remus opens his mouth to protest but Lily waves him off, "what is he supposed to say? How is France? How are your students? I miss you so much I sleep in your bed and haven't left the house in days."

"No, come on, that's not it. Something happened. Something happened that hurt him and he doesn't want to talk about it. Was it his family, did someone come after him again?" Remus' jaw is set as he looks up at Lily only to see the sad smile on her face that makes him want to run all the way back to France and his students and all the things he understands.

"Remus", Lily is soft but insistent as she lays a hand on his knee, "he's sad because you left, he's angry at himself for not telling you how he feels about you, he's hurting because he thinks he lost the chance."

"That's not true," Remus says after a long bout of silence, "I know you have some fantasy about Sirius and I being together but he just doesn't see me that way."

"You're hopeless," Lily chides him, and he can't quite put aside that she's not the first person to say that to him in the last twenty four hours. Whatever, neither Lily nor Dorcas know Sirius as well as he does. They can have their delusions but it isn't going to get us anywhere, Remus thinks, getting himself ready to leave. "Sirius told me to rest. He'll be home with lunch soon and you know how he gets when I don't follow his instructions before the moon." Lily gives Remus a look that clearly says, do you even hear yourself?, that he pushes aside as he carries the wine glasses into the kitchen.

Ten minutes later he's back in his sleep clothes on the couch of Sirius' flat, reading an old muggle paperback he found in his room. I really should go through these things, Remus thinks, I could box them up and take them to my parents. Lord knows it shouldn't be Sirius' job to clean the room out. As he's resolving to put that task on his list of things to do next weekend, Sirius bustles in with a folder of papers in one hand and a bag of takeaway in the other. His sour mood seems to have dissipated since this morning and he's clearly happy to see Remus still in his pajamas.

"Good rest then?," Sirius asks, as he tucks the folder onto the shelf by the door and takes the food into the kitchen. Remus hates lying, but he hates hurting Sirius more, so he cuts the difference and hums in acknowledgement. Thankfully, Sirius is too preoccupied to notice the noncommittal answer as he pulls dishes and cutlery out and sets about making them each a plate.

"It's a lucky thing I went by today," Sirius is saying, as he comes through to the living room. "Apparently some of Emily's test results had been misfiled and the healers on duty were holding her discharge until they could find them. It took a while, but in the end I just made a stink about her being my patient, not theirs, and got the discharged pushed through. It does, however, mean that I'll be spending some time later putting her file," he gestures to the folder by the door, "back together, but it's worth it to know she's sleeping in her own bed tonight."

"She did her physical therapy then?" Remus asks between bites.

"Yup. Apparently the prospect of running with us on Tuesday was quite the motivator, although I suspect James' promise to take her for a ride on his broom tomorrow night might have also had something to do with it."

"Whatever works," Remus says, shaking his head.

"I seem to remember you used to follow healer's orders best when bribed with either a couple of hours of extra sleep or a bar of Honeyduke's finest," laughs Sirius.

"Hey now, I also used to go along with Madame Pomfrey in exchange for you all keeping up with your homework," Remus says, pointing with his fork at Sirius to punctuate the word 'you'. "Do you use that trick on your students now, Moons?," Sirius asks around a smile.

"Unfortunately, no. The cost of having them know I'm a werewolf doesn't really seem worth the benefit. Plus, if I remember correctly, you guys usually found a way to weasel out of it in the end anyway," Remus replies, as he puts his plate on the coffee table and sits back.

"How were Mr and Mrs Adams today? Do you get the feeling they'll be letting Emily come with us?"

"Oh, I suspect so. Emily is a persistent one and Mrs Adams clearly has a bit of an adventurous streak to her. I think we'll likely get the answer at the Potter's tomorrow, but it might not hurt to go round your parents in the morning and have a poke around the wards. It would be nice to be able to say we'd recently looked them over," Sirius says as he collects their plates.

"Do us a favour and don't tell Mam until the morning alright? She's likely to not get any sleep tonight if she knows you're coming," Remus says to Sirius' back as he walks into the kitchen.

"Still harbouring a crush on me, is she?," Sirius calls back, "give it a few years and I might be just lonely enough to take her up on it."

It's an old joke, one they've been making since the first time Sirius met Remus' parents and his mom fawned over the little posh boy as only a doting mother can, but today the joke seems to die a little too early. The words are there, but perhaps there's a little truth to them that neither Sirius or Remus is ready to address.

"I'll floo Da when I get up. Lord knows he'll be two hours into his day at that point, and he can deliver the news to Mam with too little warning for her to make a real fuss," Remus calls into the kitchen, "plus, if this works out, she'll have the Adams to busy herself with on Tuesday anyway. Any excuse for pie, you know how she is."

"That I do," Sirius says, coming back in to the living room with two mugs of tea. "Put in a good word for Apple, won't you? It's been too long since I've had one of her pies."

"It's nearly October, you know. She'll be planning Christmas soon. She'll be asking if you're planning to come around," Remus says taking a mug with thanks.

"She'll be asking you too. Have you got an answer yet on how long you're staying?"

Something shifts with the question and from the way Remus settles his cup on the table, Sirius can tell he feels it too.

"I actually haven't decided yet," Remus answers, carefully. "I've been offered another term, but it would mean putting off the completion of my degree another year and I'd have to find somewhere new to stay. The room I've got was only temporary, and the man who owns it is coming back in the new year."

"How long until you have to decide?" Sirius is fighting to sound neutral. He knows he's toeing the edge of a minefield but he's unclear where the boundaries are.

"Theoretically, the end of November, but that cuts everyone a little close. I'd like to make up my mind before we break for half term."

What is that? Eight weeks? Nine? Okay, I can do this.

"Regardless, I was thinking of packing up a bit this week. Whichever move I'm making, it wouldn't hurt to get some of this stuff into storage at the farm," Remus says, picking up his mug.

"What!? Why?" Breathe Sirius, calm down, you can do this, he thinks as if repeating it to himself will slow the feeling of panic that's taking over. "Why would you need to pack your things?"

"I can't just leave them here. It made sense when I thought I was only going for a year but it's another term now and we're talking about one more. It's ridiculous of me to take over a room I'm not even using," Remus says, as if it's only logical.

"What's ridiculous is you thinking I would ever find you keeping your things in your room to be an imposition," Sirius grits out as calmly as he can manage. He really doesn't want to get angry, but what is even happening here? "Do you really think I'm going to throw you out? It's your room Remus, you not choosing to live in it doesn't change that."

"Sirius, that's silly. If I'm not going to be here, don't you want the room back? What if you find someone you want to offer it to? What if you meet someone and want them to move in?" Remus is being sincere and that's the most unbelievable part of this as far as Sirius is concerned. If asked later Sirius wouldn't be able to say exactly when he decided Remus had pushed his last nerve, but it's probably right here. If he meets someone? Like who? Who would be meet that he'd be willing to kick Remus out for? How little must Remus think of him.

Sirius just stares at Remus slack jawed for a moment before shaking his head. "Are you shitting me? Are you having me on, Moony? Who would I meet that would make me want to throw you out of your own room?" Sirius can tell he's being much louder than necessary at this point but he really can't be bothered to care. This is crossing into the absurd now, and all he can think about is making Remus see sense.

"I don't know", Remus says, suddenly quiet. "I assume you'll want to settle down at some point."

Now Sirius can't help himself. He's laughing, loud and full throated and even Remus' alarmed face isn't enough to make him stop.

"So," he chokes out between laughing sobs, "you think I'm going to take a lover and then what? He'll need his own room? He won't want you around? I won't want you around?"

"I'm not sure I'd want to be around," Remus says, very quietly, almost quietly enough to be missed, into his lap.

"Ah," Sirius' reply is hardly more than a breath.

The room is thick with a tension that screams this is it and it is a long minute before either of them is brave enough to speak.

Ever the rash one, it's Sirius that breaks the silence with a quiet, firm "that's not going to happen."

"You can't know that, and neither can I," Remus replies just as quietly.

"Yes. Yes I can," Sirius says hoping with everything he has that this is enough for tonight.

"I think I'm going to need something stronger than tea," Remus says, rising from the couch, and Sirius falls in love with him just a little bit more.

When Remus returns with the good gin and two tumblers, Sirius is going through Emily's file and trying to reconcile it with the list of records he promised it would have come Monday morning. Remus pours them each a couple of measures and takes half the stack for himself. Grateful for the distraction, the men dive into the process of locating and collating the records until everything is in order, except for a memo Sirius is pretty sure he can recreate from memory, and the file is ready to be tucked away again.

Sirius is the first to excuse himself for bed, taking the glasses in and washing them slowly with the dinner dishes while Remus puts on a record and tries, but fails, to read a little more of his book. They both know they are dancing around each other, giving each other space, and yet when they meet up again, Sirius exiting the washroom as Remus is heading in, there's a comfort in each other's just being there that can't be denied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh guys, this might be my favourite chapter. Ugh. If this isn't pulling at your heartstrings yet, buckle up.

Remus is in the floo to his father when Sirius comes out of the shower in the morning. He's pulled his pants and jeans on in his room but had just gotten his head through his shirt on his way past the kitchen when Remus tells his dad they'll be by in a couple of hours and says his goodbyes. "Mam was already in the room when I called so any chance of putting her off went right out the window", Remus says directly to Sirius' eyes. Don't look down, don't look down, oh God, put the shirt on already, repeating like a mantra as he speaks. "She caught wind of your arrival right away so there will be a full tea waiting for us. Thank goodness you've got me on your pre-moon eating regiment, and your stomach is like a bottomless pit because, between this and dinner at the Potter's tonight, I suspect we're going to need to be rolled to bed tonight." Remus' eyes are laughing along with his smile and Sirius is grateful, oh so grateful for new days and new beginnings.

"I don't know, Moony," he answers, a smile in his words, "I'm pretty sure Lily would be happy enough to just leave you where you lie tonight and feed you up again in the morning.''

"No doubt. She's even worse than you are with her fussing over me," Remus says, pointing at Sirius like he's scolding him. "That's why I've got you to get me out of there."

"Is that what I'm here for?" Sirius is being cheeky now. They are both putting last night aside, and he is never happier for that than now. "I've always wondered why you bother with me. I thought it was for my lovely personality, but my ability to act as your rescuing knight does have an appeal. Truth be told though, most of my armor is leather, and it's not much for shining," Sirius says, gesturing to his jacket on it's hook by the door.

"Am I the damsel then?," Remus asks, with derision. "I've never fancied myself a girl, Pads."

"No worries," Sirius answers smoothly, "if you were a girl, I'd likely leave you to roll yourself home."

"Sirius Black, ladies man of Hogwarts," Remus says, gesturing grandly in Sirius' direction.

"Really, it is amazing anyone believed that, let alone the number of years I thought it myself,'' Sirius says with a laugh.

 

 

Stepping through the floo into the Lupin's front room has to be one of Sirius' favourite things. Sure, the Potter's house has always been a second home to him, even more so once he moved into it properly after leaving Grimauld Place, but the Potter's, even filled as it is with light colours and cheerful occupants, is still an obscenely large home with guest rooms and grounds big enough to need a dedicated staff. When he'd stepped over the hearth the first time, the Lupin house was unlike anything that a fourteen year old Sirius had ever imagined.

A tidy farm house with two floors and two bedrooms, Remus' childhood home seems built somehow out of the people it houses. Books line the walls of the sitting room, piled on shelves and in stacks, everywhere that isn't already occupied by records or paintings or photographs. The kitchen is bright and filled with colourful dishes and bits of artwork Remus made as a child and that his mother refuses to pack away. The table is just the right size for four and has mismatched chairs that Hope painted with the ends of various cans she found in the cellar. The sideboard is never without at least a plate of biscuits and the remnants of some pie or another.

If Sirius could have shaped a house out of his ideas of what he'd wished his family had been, it would be this house. Every time he visits, as soon as he crosses the hearth, Sirius can feel his shoulders lowering, feel his heart rate slowing, feel his tension slipping away. Today is no different.

When they arrive, Remus first, Sirius right after, Lyall is in the sitting room, reading in his old wingback and Hope is bustling about in the kitchen, no doubt running around worried, sure as she always is, that there won't be enough food. Lyall is up and on his feet to hug Remus before Sirius is even able to gain his footing.

"Remus! What a treat! We really were happy to hear from you this morning. Thought we'd have to wait until after the moon to get you up this way," Lyall says as Remus is pulled away from him and into a firm hug by Hope.

"And you, Sirius, where have you been at then? Remus had been in France and I'm hardly accepting that as an excuse for not visiting, but you've been right here," Lyall throws his arm around Sirius as he pulls him in for a hug. "Too busy for us now with your fancy new job?"

"Never, Sir. You know I'd never be too busy for you and the lovely Mrs Lupin and her even lovelier apple pie," Sirius says, throwing a wink in Hope's direction.

"Oh you! Come here my boy. Who's feeding you now with my Remus gone? Does Lily still have you for Sunday dinners?" Hope says all of this into Sirius' chest as she's hugging him furiously.

"You know, I am able to feed myself, Mum," Sirius replies, earning him a scoff before Hope drags him into the kitchen.

"Nonsense. A man shouldn't be left to feed himself. Next thing you know it's all takeaways and nights round the pub. Don't worry, I'll be sure to send you home with plenty of leftovers," Hope says, as she bodily pushes Sirius into a seat at the table and puts a plate of apple pie in front of him.

"Remus? Have I ever told you that I love your mother?," Sirius whispers loudly as Remus takes the next seat.

"Yes, Pads," Remus says, just as his own plate appears. "You tell me just as often as you tell her."

"I love you, Mrs Lupin!," Sirius calls out around the next bite of pie.

"Not with your mouth full," she chides with a smile.

"I think she loves me too," he stage whispers again in Remus' direction.

"Of course she does, Sirius. You're entirely lovable," Remus says offhandedly, before turning back to his father. Sirius has to quickly duck his head to hide the blush he can feel rushing up over his face.

After pie, and more questions about how Sirius will ever manage living alone, and the dishes, which Remus and Sirius insist on doing, Lyall speaks up.

"Remus said you two wanted to come by and go over the wards. What's that about then? Are you looking to run here this Tuesday? I thought you'd let that fall off since you started on the Wolfsbane."

"Yeah, most months I just secure my room, put up a series of good silencing spells and sleep most of the night in wolf form, but," gesturing to Sirius now, "Sirius has found himself a new packmate and we were hoping her parents would let her come out with us this time around."

"She's hardly coming for me, Moony. She's seen my trick already, hasn't she. It's you she's wanting to get a closer look at," Sirius says incredulously.

"Who's the girl then, Remus? Have you met someone? Another werewolf?"

"Oh, goodness no, Mam! She's a bit young for all that," Remus says scandalized on Emily's behalf. "She's a patient of Sirius'. She was attacked two months ago and did her first transformation in the hospital while they were getting her all sorted out, but Sirius has discharged her now and James, Peter and I went around to meet her this week. Sirius asked if we wouldn't check in on her, offer her and her parents some support, and, as usual, we might have taken it a bit far."

"So, this girl," Lyall starts

"Emily"

"Thanks, Sirius. So, Emily, is she being given Wolfsbane as well?" Lyall, always one to stay on top of emerging werewolf research knows just how difficult Wolfsbane is to come by. Remus has had to have his incorporated into his benefits package through the school as part of the safety protocol and given the headache that was, Lyall couldn't imagine how Emily's parents had managed it.

"Yup, we've got her all sorted out," Sirius said firmly. With finality.

Lyall, never one to let something lie that he needn't, presses forward. "And how did you manage that then? I was under the impression that it was still being regulated quite heavily and that to buy it outright was exorbitantly expensive."

"Yes, well, expensive is relative," Sirius said. "And I quite felt that she deserved it."

"You're paying for it?," Remus asked, shock written across his face. "I assumed you'd gotten it for her through some sort of medical trial or programme for children."

"No. It turns out there are very few ways to get Wolfsbane for children. They are apparently too young to be useful in the trials and too unwanted to be able to receive subsidies." Sirius' voice is tense with the disdain he feels for the ministry officials who regulate magical creatures within an inch of their lives. "I am still working on a way to secure a long standing subsidized form of the potion for Emily but until then, Mr and Mrs Adams are not aware that I'm paying for it out of pocket and I'd like it if it stayed that way."

"Sirius, come on, that must be costing you a fortune," Remus is quiet now, tentative.

"Would you rather she not have it?," he asks, looking Remus straight in the eye. "No. Me neither. I'll spend my money as I wish, thanks."

Mrs Lupin is the first to speak into the silence with a quiet and curious, "what's she like, this Emily?"

That's all it takes to have Sirius back. "She's lovely Mum. She's nine and a half and she's got two muggle parents, which has made the entire process both much more difficult and much more exciting. She's whip smart, and a cheeky little bugger when she wants to be, and she is so loved. Just so wonderfully loved, and we're hoping with a little help from Moony's pack, we can keep it that way."

"She sounds delightful. Just like a little Lily," Lyall says with a laugh. "What's your plan for Tuesday then?"

"Ah, yes," Remus says, gesturing outside. "We were hoping, if you wouldn't mind, to alter the wards to recognize Emily, and to bolster them however would be needed to bring them back up to full working order. Her last transformation with the Wolfsbane went predictably but we'd like to be ready for any eventuality. Plus, we're trying to show her parents we can be trusted to watch her, so we'd like to go a little overboard to make the point clear."

"Of course," Lyall says, as he steps into the yard. "I keep the wards maintained as a matter of habit, but I agree it would be nice to be able to say we gave them a thorough going over before they arrive."

"They?," Mrs Lupin chimes in. "Will her parents be coming along as well?"

"Yes Mum, if you wouldn't mind," Sirius says. "They are a bit nervous, this being the first time she's doing this outside of a holding cell, and we were hoping they'd be able to stay close so they could comfort themselves with being able to see her safe."

"It's also," he says, looking between Lyall and Hope. "The first time they've been near her during a transformation. In the hospital the families are kept well away, so while they have had it explained to them what happens…"

"Oh, goodness!," cries Mrs Lupin. "They have no idea. Oh Lyall," as she reaches for her husband's hand.

"Exactly. I was hoping we could bring her here in part to run and play with us but mostly, I'd like her parents to have people with them who understand what they're going through. I'll do my best to get them ready but, you're right Mum, there's no way to be ready to watch something like this, is there?" Sirius has to take a breath before he can continue and then Remus is there, arm around Sirius shoulder like an anchor. "I know it's asking a lot. I know neither of you like to be there when Remus transforms any more than I do, but I'm hoping..."

"Of course we will!," Mrs Lupin interrupts with force. "Come here, Remus. Hug your mother. Oh goodness, you are so lovely, my beautiful boy."

Recognizing Hope and Remus' hug for the clinging to each other against the inevitability of pain that it surely is, Mr Lupin and Sirius set off to begin seeing to the wards.

"Can I ask you a question, Sirius?," Lyall asks as they clear the fence to the field.

"Of course"

"Why did you become a healer? I always thought you'd be off on adventures after school. Playing in a muggle band or traveling the world with a backpack, or something equally offensive to your parents."

"The truth?" This gets a nod from Lyall, so Sirius continues, "Remus. Remus is why I'm a healer. Watching him rip himself apart every month only to face the bigotry of healers who wouldn't care for him and potioneers who wouldn't sell to him and Ministry officials who insisted on calling him by that bloody number instead of by his name."

Sirius falls silent as he tries to regain his composure. Talking about the treatment of werewolves in wizarding society never fails to rile up his anger with the same intensity it did, aged twelve, when he first found out Remus' secret. "I thought about becoming an Auror, you know. James was so set on it, and I love to duel, although James will tell you there's very little of that in the actual job of it, and the uniform is obviously flash. But I couldn't get past the part where I'd have to enforce the ministry restrictions on magical creatures. James and I fought about it for months. He argued the benefit of fighting power from the inside and I argued all the damage you'd be tasked with doing in the meantime and in the end we never settled it. By the time we did our career interviews in fifth year I knew I couldn't go through with it, and he knew he would. I know that being a healer won't change the world but I like to think that Madame Pomfrey was able to change Remus' world. If I can do the same for others, that seems like a worthwhile way to spend my life."

They walk in silence for a while before Mr Lupin speaks, "Do you love him?"

"What?," Sirius jerks his head up at Lyall in surprise.

"My son. Do you love him?"

"With every piece of me," Sirius replies, and the look of relief and love in Lyall's eyes is enough to make him want to cry.

"He's very lucky, you know. By all rights, he shouldn't be alive. Even if he'd lived through the initial transformations and managed to survive, he should be nearing the end of his life soon. Remus is well past middle aged for a werewolf," Lyall says as he raises his wand to start inspecting the wards.

"I know," Sirius replies as he joins him. "I remember reading all those books about werewolves when we were first learning about him and those lifespan charts were horrifying. I'll never forget the look on James' face when he realized his dad had already lived three times the average lifespan of a male werewolf."

"Do you know why Remus is defying those odds?," Lyall asks plainly, as if the answer is obvious. "It's you. No. Don't." He raises his hand to quiet Sirius' attempt to protest. "You persisted until you figured out his secret and then instead of telling the world, you spent days reading everything you could find to help him. You figured out that as animagi you could calm the wolf and then you set about working on building him a pack."

"To be fair, Sir," Sirius protests. "Those things are true of James and Peter as well."

"Bollocks. Don't you tell me Mr Pettigrew managed that animagi process by himself. Do you think he'd have stuck it out if you hadn't pushed and prodded him the whole way? And, yes, Mr Potter was a part of all your plans but what were his motivations? I suspect he quite liked the idea of being an animagi because it was tricky and daring, but you, you did it to help Remus. Am I wrong?"

"No, Sir," Sirius relents. "But, and I have to say, I can't believe I'm reminding you of this when you're out here saying such nice things about me, I also nearly killed your son and very nearly made a murderer of him as well. I'd rather you not make me out to be some sort of martyr to the cause, because I'm quite sure the evidence doesn't hold up."

"True enough, Mr Black." Lyall says with a tight smile, "but nobody is asking for perfection. The truth, insofar as I see it, is that my son, my beautiful little boy, is alive and relatively well today, because you love him and you have used that love to guide your life in the direction of helping others just like him."

"I'd like to think he's alive today because he's a stubborn bugger. But I'll take your compliment, Sir," Sirius says with a laugh.

"Stubborn bugger, no doubt," Lyall answers. "But who made sure he's eating in the run up to the moon, huh? Who sent him off to bed early last night and will make his excuses early this evening? Steak and eggs this morning, was it? Or have we already moved on to that hot chocolate you make him that is like drinking whipping cream? He's a stubborn bugger, Sirius. But you're still the only one he'll listen to barring my wife, and you and I both know that's saying something."

It's hard to look at the Lupin men when they are intent on looking at you, Sirius decides. He's had enough recent experience to tell him it's not a coincidence that they both have eyes that can pin you in place without even trying. Sirius is working through the tangled mass of nerves and love and acceptance and responsibility and pride that he's feeling to try to find a way to respond when he hears Remus and Hope approaching the ward boundary.

"How do they look then, Da?," Remus calls out as they draw near.

"Decent, I think," Lyall says smoothly, like he hasn't just taken Sirius' entire understanding of himself apart and stuffed it back into him in a new and unrecognizable configuration. "We'll need Emily here to read her signature into the bulk of them but they're holding nicely."

"Would they contain me at her age?," Remus asks, knowing full well that at nine and a half he transformed without the aid of any potions and was utterly feral once the moon had risen.

"That they would," Lyall says with a sense of authority Sirius thinks only a father can have.

"Well then," Hope says into the silence, "Remus set his old room to rights as a spare bedroom for the Adams, although I suspect they won't be sleeping at all on Tuesday night. Goodness knows I won't be. He's also made a list of potions and first aid supplies he'd like to have on hand post transformation although, I suppose, you might also have thought of some of that Sirius," Sirius nods with a smile because Remus has a way he likes to be treated after the moon and Sirius, healer or no, knows he'll give in to Remus' requests regardless of their medical indication. Besides, Sirius has his own list. The wool socks Remus swears are the only ones that can really keep his feet warm, three bars of Honeyduke's milk chocolate and one with caramel, a bottle of Ogden's, the crocheted blanket from the couch that used to be his Nan's, the battered old book of short stories Lyall read to him as a child, a jar of the salve Lily makes to soothe his joints.

Sirius' list is born of years of coaxing Remus through the days leading up to the moon, soothing him through the worst of the pain, and patching him back up as quickly as possible in the aftermath. As Hope and Remus talk their way through the food for the visit, Sirius is thinking about the moon he missed in seventh year when he went to sort out his uncle Alphard's affairs. He'd written down the list of supplies and painstakingly gathered everything before he left, and when he got back the first question out of James' mouth had been "what the hell were the muggle pencils supposed to be for?". "Oh. Well, Remus' hands tend to shake in the day following the transformation, and he hates it when the crossword gets smudged, so I make use of his half in, half out drowsiness, and get him to do the crossword in pencil. Then, when he falls asleep, I copy it over with a quill." James' "are you kidding me!?" could be heard echoing throughout the castle and resulted in everyone, save Sirius, being sent back to classes. For the record, muggle pencils are still on the list.

Tea is ready when they get back to the house and everyone is happy for it. Sirius, because he really is a bottomless pit and more than happy to have someone cooking for him, Remus, because he's still trying to eat in anticipation of the change, and Mr and Mrs Lupin, because the boys are here and they are both happy and well and here.

"I might not even make it to the Potter's, Pads", Remus says as they're doing the washing up. "You might have to roll me home right from here."

"Nonsense," Sirius replies. "You've got a packmate to charm. But I will give you the option of napping here before we go. Save the trip?"

"I'll take you up on that on one condition," Remus replies.

"And that would be?," Sirius asks as he puts the last of the dishes away.

"You take a nap too. We'll both be up all night on Tuesday and you'll be doing it after a full days work," Remus says pointedly. "You keep reminding me how old and slow I've gotten but maybe you should take a look in the mirror yourself, old man."

"Fine," Sirius replies. "But only because I want to see what you've done with your room to make it livable for the Adams."

"I thought it was because you wanted a cuddle," Remus says, smoothly avoiding the towel Sirius tries to hit him with.

"Well, if I'd known there was a cuddle in it for me, I'd never had needed convincing," he calls up to Remus who's just reached the top of the stairs.

"Just get up here," Remus calls down as Sirius begins climbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys have a cuddle, Lily is observant and Remus starts to talk.

Remus may have spelled his old bed bigger for the Adams, but he and Sirius are also both bigger than they were the last time they shared it, so they really shouldn't be surprised when they wake a couple of hours later a tangle of limbs, Sirius' head tucked under Remus' arm. Thankfully the awkwardness of the situation goes unnoticed by their sleep addled brains even if it is hard to miss how well they've both managed to rest in such a short period of time. Having been woken by Remus' wand alarm, neither of them are quite ready to be up and moving, so by the time they do finally rouse themselves fully they've only got time for a quick goodbye to the Lupins before they're due at the Potter's for dinner.

As predicted, Lily and Mrs Adams and Emily get on like only people of the same mind can and James is a gracious host, as always, so beyond walking everyone through the preparations they made earlier in the day at the Lupin Farm, both Sirius and Remus are able to spend the evening enjoying watching Emily's eyes grow wider and wider as she experiences life in a magical home for the first time. Before long dinner has been eaten, tea and dessert have been eaten, broom rides have been given and the Adams are preparing to leave for home.

"I suppose you're waiting to see what we've decided about Tuesday," says Mr Adams as he shrugs on his overcoat. "We've spent the last couple of days talking it over, and listened to what you've told us tonight, but I think we'd all made our minds up that first day in the hospital. Sarah and I are grateful to all of you for coming together to help Emily, and us," he looks to his wife who nods, "during what has been such a difficult and overwhelming time. Emily has done nothing since she met you, Remus, but petition to be able to run with your pack on Tuesday, and we can't help but agree. Please thank your parents in advance for offering to take us in for the night. The opportunity to be close by is much more than we were being offered by the Ministry, and we appreciate it very much."

"Yes, Sir," replies Remus, shaking Mr Adams' outstretched hand. "I'll be sure to thank them for you, but Sirius can attest to how quickly they jumped at the chance. They may not be new to parenting a werewolf, but they certainly are still very much alone in their experience. I think they are as happy as you are to find people to share the experience with."

Mrs Adams pulls Remus into a hug while Mr Adams moves on to shake Sirius' hand. While the others are distracted with their goodbyes, Sirius pulls Mr Adams aside a little and says "Sir, there are a few details about the actual transformation that I'd like to be able to prepare you and your wife for before Tuesday. Is it possible for us to arrange a time to meet? If you can't find someone to watch Emily I'll see if Remus can come along, and maybe they can have their own little chat."

"Perhaps tomorrow afternoon then?" Mr Adams suggests, and Sirius nods in response. "I'll confirm it in the morning."

"Thank you again Healer Black," Mr Adams says clapping both of Sirius' hands in his own. "I can't thank you enough for what you've done for Emily, for all of us."

"She's wonderful, Sir," he says, looking over Mr Adams' shoulder to where Remus and Emily are saying their goodbyes. "She's worth everything I have to give."

At this, Mr Adams follows Sirius line of sight and smiles to himself before gathering his wife and daughter and setting off for home.

"You two look exhausted," Lily says from where she's propped on the couch with a sleeping Harry in her arms. "I know Remus' excuse Sirius, but what's yours?"

"Truly Lily, as if keeping on top of Moony's pre-moon needs wasn't enough to wear me out, you might have also noticed that I've brought a fair amount of my work home with me recently," Sirius says through a yawn. "And unlike you two, some of us are not used to keeping up with kids anymore."

"Come on, Pads," Moony says sweetly. "Let's get you home, then."

Sirius is neither too tired, nor too proud to acknowledge that he finds himself sinking a little further than strictly necessary into the arm Remus wraps around his shoulders as they step outside to apparate back to the flat. Feeling grateful that they seem to be moving around each other more comfortably tonight, Sirius goes quietly through the motions of getting ready for bed and it isn't until they're both changed and washed that he decides to speak.

"I'm meeting with the Adams' tomorrow afternoon to try to do what I can to prepare them for watching Emily's transformation. I'm happy to handle that conversation on my own, but if they aren't able to have someone watch Emily, could you…"

Before he realizes Remus has moved, they are standing face to face, only a couple of feet apart in the hall outside Sirius' room. "Do you want me to watch her or talk to her about it?," Remus asks.

"I was hoping you could watch her. If you two have things you need to talk about, I wouldn't presume to know them," Sirius answers.

Remus looks at Sirius for a moment before he seems to nod his tilted head just slightly then reaches out and pulls Sirius into an all encompassing hug. "I don't know why you are the way you are Pads, but Emily and I are very lucky to have you."

From his position held right to Remus' shoulder, Sirius can't find the words to respond so he turns his head into Remus' neck and returns the embrace. For a moment they just stand there, breathing together, then Remus pulls away and turns toward his room. Coming to his senses, Sirius says after him, "How can you not see that I'm the lucky one?"

For one glorious moment Remus stills and Sirius can see him close his eyes and take a slow breath before he turns into his room.

 

 

Sirius wakes on Monday morning to Remus sat on the edge of his bed holding a cup of tea. "Pads? Hey, Pads, your alarm went off a few minutes ago but you're sleeping right through it."

"Ugh. Why are you up? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Sirius breathes out, groggily and then scowls and tosses a pillow at Remus, who has dropped the soothing tone, and is now laughing at Sirius' obvious frustration at being awake.

"To be honest, my stomach woke me up, but then I had a look around the kitchen and couldn't find anything I wanted to eat, so…," Remus started.

"Hot chocolate time?," Sirius asks as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

"Hot chocolate time," Remus answers.

"Honestly, how have you been doing this without me?," Sirius asks as he climbs out of the covers.

"I promise you it's going to much harder once I go back. It took months before I didn't wake up assuming someone would have already gotten me the good socks or restocked the chocolate," Remus says on his way back to the kitchen. "You really worked up to it so gradually that I hadn't truly realized how much you were doing to make the moons easier for me until I was gone. Imagine my shock the first month when no one swapped my sheets out for the flannel ones I like best when I'm recovering".

"Well then, when you make your pros and cons list to help you decide if you should stay another term, I'd like my efforts marked down on the side of coming home," Sirius says as he gathers the ingredients for his Moony mollifying hot chocolate.

"I'm pretty sure that column is just a list of your efforts grouped into broad categories so as to not overwhelm the other side," Remus says as he settles at the table.

"Hey now," Sirius says, turning to point the whisk at Remus. "I'd like them listed separately, please, given that overwhelming the other side is exactly what I'm trying to do."

"Is it?," Remus asks, quietly, eyes fixed on the spot above the window.

"Of course," Sirius says while stirring the cream. "I never wanted you to go in the first place."

It's delicate, this conversation, and they both know it. Remus knows he should be careful but he also knows he's due back in France in just over a week and he can't go back thinking that Sirius will fall back into himself.

"I missed you," he starts. "I realized that first night that, other than holidays, I hadn't slept away from you in nearly a decade. I thought, at first, that it was about being alone but, it's a shared house, I was no more physically alone then I had been here. No," Remus shakes his head, "it was you. I missed you. It took me weeks to sleep through the night… I'd forgotten what the nightmares were like without someone to buffer them, and even when those calmed back down, I'd sometimes wake up in a panic and think I'd heard you having a nightmare only to remember you weren't there."

It's obvious that the hot chocolate is ready, but Sirius has moved on to making toast and eggs with a dedication that tells Remus he's just not ready to turn around yet, and given that they may actually be talking this time, Remus is happy enough to let it go.

"It's lonely there," Remus says before correcting himself. "No. I'm lonely there. The students are wonderful, the job is such a great opportunity and I've made some friends among the other teachers but…I miss you. If I made a pros and cons list for staying in France, the pros would be all the wonderful parts of the job and the cons list would just be you. I just...I just have to decide what to do with that."

There's silence in the kitchen as Sirius finishes the eggs and makes up two plates, then as he turns to put them down he smiles at Remus and says, "I won't tell your parents and the Potters that they didn't make the list if you don't."

"I think it would be best if we just never mentioned this at all." Remus says, the smile evident in his voice. "I'm not sure I could live down the mockery James would send my way if he heard me being this soppy about you. Besides, you and I know who the real sop is, because we had to help him write those bloody awful letters to Lily in school."

"True enough. That's ammunition enough for a lifetime, right there," Sirius says, now grinning broadly.  
.  
The rest of breakfast is easy. Remus talks about his research and his plans for going back to the archives next week and Sirius, as usual, is full of questions. Once the food is gone and the table is cleared Sirius pulls himself together for work while Remus is thumbing through the paper. Nice. Domestic. I miss this, Sirius thinks as he gets his jacket.

"You'll be fine today?," Sirius asks on his way to the floo. Remus tends to be more tired than usual the day before the moon and Sirius is feeling a little guilty for asking him to come along later to watch Emily.

"I will," Remus answers. "I worked it out before I came so that I would have lots of time off either side of the moon. I might go through my notes this morning if I'm up for it, but I suspect all I'll likely manage is a long bath and a cuddle on the couch with a book."

"Don't push yourself," Sirius says as he's getting his jacket. "It never pays off."

"You do know that I'm capable of managing this myself right?," Remus asks with a smile.

"Of course," Sirius says quickly, Remus is prideful and Sirius doesn't want to offend. "But why would I ever want you to have to do that?."

"You're ridiculous, Padfoot." Remus shakes his head.

"If you say so," Sirius answers. "Meet you in the lobby at three?"

"Sounds good".

"Bye, Luv."

"Bye."

Remus waits for the green fire of the floo to burn out then closes his eyes. Luv. It's fine. He doesn't need it to mean anything more than a kind word for a friend in pain. Sirius is here and they're talking, or at least Remus talked and Sirius stayed and heard him out. He takes another deep breath before opening his eyes and getting up to run a bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius talks to Mrs and Mr Adams about what to expect during the full.
> 
>  
> 
> *There's a lot of discussion of suffering in this chapter. No descriptions of violence or gore, but it does talk about the experience of watching someone you love suffer. If that's not for you, the story continues just fine without it.*

"Mr and Mrs Adams," Sirius begins, only to be interrupted.

"Please Sirius, I know we're in your office today but I think we know each other well enough for you to call us David and Sarah."

"Thank you Sarah. What I wanted to talk to the two of you about today is what you are likely to witness tomorrow night while Emily transforms. I know that we've been over the mechanics of how Emily's body will reshape itself as the wolf takes over but I wanted to take a moment and discuss with you what it will be like to actually watch it happening. To your daughter." Sirius is sure to look each of them in the eye as he speaks. He hasn't had to have this talk many times as a healer. Most of his patients are adults and they generally prefer to be the arbitrators of their own their own personal information and in any case, it's never been the werewolves themselves that need the information. Usually, by the time they get to Sirius, they already have an intimate understanding of what the transformation entails.

"Perhaps I'll tell you about the first time I watched Remus become the wolf and we can go from there?" The Adams' nod in tandem, and he continues. "For the first year and a half that I knew Remus, none of us had any idea that he was a werewolf and for nearly three more after that, until we mastered our animal forms, we couldn't be anywhere near him during the full moon. We had, like the information hungry kids we were, read nearly everything we could get our hands on about werewolves and had asked Remus hundreds of questions about anything and everything that we could think of, but even then the actual transformation was a bit of a mystery, as I suspect it is to you."

Oh, these poor parents, Sirius thinks as he watches them cling to each other's hands and shift nervously in their seats. It's obvious he's brought them in to explain that tomorrow night will be worse than they imagine and all he can hope to do is prepare them as best he can for what is coming.

"Once we would be safe with the wolf in our animal forms, Remus still asked us to stay away from him during the actual transformation. For months we were powerless to help our friend as he screamed and growled and howled in pain as his human body broke and was rebuilt it in the form of the wolf," Mrs Adams knuckles are white now, Sirius observes as he looks them over. Mr Adams is bearing the crushing grip admirably but his jaw has the tight set of someone who is clenching down hard with their back teeth.

"The first time I saw Remus transform was actually when he was changing from wolf back to man again. We'd gotten caught up playing and barely made it back to the secure point before the moon set. He started to change before I could get out of the room. A couple of months later when Remus went into the change sick with a flu that made it hard for him to do the simplest of things for himself, he reluctantly let me stay with him through the whole thing. I'm not going to sugar coat this for you, it was horrific". There are tears in Mrs Adams eyes now and Mr Adams jaw seems to be trembling under the strain, but Sirius pushes forward.

"Watching Remus' body contort and break and tear itself apart is, aside from the initial shock, no less horrific for me today than it was the first time. It didn't get better, it doesn't get easier and, unless someone finds a way around it, it doesn't hurt him any less." Sirius is unashamed about the tears that are making their way down his cheeks as he watches the Adams'. Mr Adams is blinking back his own while Mrs Adams cries openly into a tissue.

"I'm so, so sorry that tomorrow night you will be in the position of having to watch your little girl suffer the way he does. It is something that no one should have to witness, and yet, every month that Remus lets me come with him, I force myself to watch because while I am horrified, he is living it," Sirius says, barely above a whisper. It is fully possible, Sirius knows, for the Adams to avoid watching the transformation, but he is trying to impress upon them exactly how strong they are going to have to be in order to support Emily in the coming months and years. He knows, without having to ask, that Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail will stand ringed around Remus and Emily to watch the transformation tomorrow night even though, most of the time, they just let Remus decide how he wants it to play out on the day.

"I also want to convey to you that Mr and Mrs Lupin have not watched Remus transform in a number of years, and while I know they both intend to watch at your side tomorrow, none of you are expected to do so. There are many things that Emily will ultimately have to face alone as a werewolf and no doubt she will forgive you if it becomes too much and you decide you don't want to watch her suffer. I promise you Remus told his parents exactly the same yesterday when we went to check the wards," he offers the Adams' a small, sad smile, and Mr Adams nods tightly in return.

"Is there anything either of you would like to ask about the transformation while we have some privacy?," Sirius asks, deliberately trying to loosen his posture. Now that the worst of it has been said he wants to give everyone a break from the tension.

"Is Remus talking to her about this now as well?," Mrs Adams asks.

"I don't know," Sirius replies honestly. When I asked him to come I told him that as the only other wolf in our little group, I would trust him to decide what Emily might need to know tomorrow, but I might have a guess if you'd like to hear it."

"Yes, please," Mr Adams says quietly.

"Given that Emily has made the transformation once before, I'll suspect that he'll ask if she has questions but that he won't assume she needs a description of how it will work this time around," Mr Adams seems to nod slightly in agreeance, and it seems to Sirius like his jaw may be just starting to loosen a little. "If I know Moony, he is likely spending this time telling Emily the ins and outs of our pack dynamic. No doubt she knows by now that Peter is easily startled and that James will happily follow a bounding wolf into the trees, regardless of the fact that each and every time his ridiculous antlers find a way to get him stuck," Sirius chuckles at the memory of Prongs trying to extract himself the first time he got carried away and got stuck in a tight tangle of branches. "And, because he finds a particular kind of joy in tormenting me, she'll no doubt know that Padfoot gets dizzy easily and will nevertheless chase any wolf anywhere, no matter how tight the circle, until either the wolf is caught, or he trips over his own feet. For the record, I have never caught the wolf. Moony can be a right prat when he sets his mind to it," Sirius is smiling now as he pokes fun at his packmates, and he can feel a lightness returning to the room.

"Remus' will want Emily to have something to look forward to on the other side of the pain. He has been forced to become an expert at managing the psychological effects of repeated trauma, and he'll be looking to surreptitiously teach Emily as many of his little tricks as he can to put her in a better position to face it. Don't be surprised if her pockets are filled with chocolate when we meet up with them either, he swears by the stuff."

"How soon after the transformation will we be able to be with Emily?," Mrs Adams asks and Sirius knows she's remembering the first moon when St. Mungo's protocols had to be followed and they'd had to wait until Emily had been treated and transferred back to her room before they could see her.

"Right. So, our priority once Remus and Emily have transformed back, and are safe again, is going to be get them healed, clean and comfortable. We'll be using a mixture of muggle and wizard medicine to treat them because Remus' Mam is also a muggle and it's what has worked best for us over the years." Sirius realises he's slipped into Healer mode and softens his voice before he continues. "We're not at St Mungo's there. There are no safety protocols beyond the wards and waiting until the transformation is complete. In all likelihood, Emily will transform back, we'll levitate her through the wards, she'll sleep for a bit in one of the beds while we deal with the superficial scratches that are inevitable from a romp around the farm and then, when she wakes, we'll give her some pain potions and she'll be good as new Thursday morning."

Mrs Adams nods curtly. She clearly wants to believe this best case scenario is what they'll be seeing on Wednesday morning. "In the event that any of us are in need of more intensive attention, we'll be levitated through the wards, meaning that Emily would be with you as soon as safely possible, and then an assessment will be made." It's Mr Adams who acknowledges Sirius this time. This is a man who needs to know there's a plan should the worst happen. Sirius can manage this, this is familiar territory. "I am more than prepared to treat anything from a serious wound to broken bones, and while I may be the only trained healer onsite, Remus, James and Mr Lupin have all proven themselves to be more than adequate at healing moon related injuries in the past. If I am hurt, or unable to help, I'd trust any of them to take my place."

"Anything else?," Sirius asks looking between Mr and Mrs Adams. "No? Okay. Before we go get Emily, one last bit of advice. In my experience werewolves can be stubborn and struggle with asking for help. They are terrible at indicating their own pain levels and operate under the delusion that because they transform every month, their pain is somehow less important than ours. I am too old and too tired to bully Remus to accept his treatment anymore, but I will be over cautious with Emily. I'd like if you could work with me to help her understand that just because her pain tolerance will be high, that doesn't mean she needs to bear that pain."

Mrs Adams is smiling at Sirius' obvious dig at Remus but says, "Of course. We won't let her suffer needlessly," in response.

"Well then, let's go collect our wolves," Sirius says with a laugh as he stands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Tuesday, the moon is full, little girls have too much energy and boys in love are only barely hiding it and, even then, only from themselves.

Over a dinner of fish and chips Remus confirms that he has, in fact, shared some of his chocolate stash with Emily and that they had spent most of their time talking about the wonders of magical sweets. Sirius, in turn, tells Remus about his conversation with Emily's parents and the two of them both admit that watching Emily will be the hardest part of tomorrow night, without a doubt.

"Moony?" Sirius says, as they're walking back to the flat. "About this morning."

It takes a second for his words to register and then Remus finds that he has to make a conscious effort to keep moving forward. Left, right, left, right, he thinks as he waits for Sirius to continue.

"I miss you too. I'm, I'm not really sure how to talk about it. I don't really feel like I have any right to…well, I just, ugh. Why is this so hard?" Sirius lets off, with a groan of frustration.

Remus tries to lose himself in the left, right, left, right, and they pass a bakery, two bookstores and a church before Sirius tries again.

"I want, no. I can't say that," Sirius is muttering. Maybe to himself? Remus can't be sure. "I...I just, I feel like… You know I'm trying right? I really do want to be able to talk to you."

"I know, Pads," Remus says quietly, while gently knocking Sirius' shoulder with his own.

"I miss you, but that's not big enough. It's, there's more. It feels like, I don't know, like maybe part of me went too," Sirius says as if the words are just as much a surprise to him as they are to Remus.

"Oh" Remus lets out, very quiet and Sirius is grateful that Remus doesn't follow up.

 

 

Tuesday morning finds Sirius up and ready for work while Remus is still very much asleep in his room with the blinds drawn and burrowed so deeply in the blankets on his bed that finding him proves to be a bit of a challenge. Sirius has made breakfast and left it with a warning charm on the bedside table along with the newspaper, a pen for the crossword and the paperback Remus had been carting around with him. With any luck he'll sleep away most of the morning and Sirius will be back from work before he needs much else. Having arranged to be gone from the hospital all day Wednesday, Sirius spends most of the day getting things in order for the Junior Healers to manage in his absence and checking on his patient's concerns as they get ready for the transformation tonight.

Thankfully most of their needs are fairly routine and he manages to hand things over and head home to Remus in plenty of time to get them ready and to the Lupin's before their guests arrive.

What Sirius finds as he comes through the front door of the flat is so ridiculous he can't help but laugh. Remus is wrapped in what must be all the blankets from both their beds combined and he's lying in the hall with his head propped up on a stack of newspapers.

"What happened here, Moons?" Sirius says, putting his bags down and walking toward the hall.

"Well, I got hungry, so I thought I'd come to the kitchen, but then I got tired," says Remus, as if he's just been found in a perfectly normal position.

"And now?," Sirius asks.

"And now I'm stuck," Remus says, trying to hold on to his dignified tone.

"Ah. Would you like some help?," Sirius asks, already bending down.

"Just stop it, Padfoot. I know this is ridiculous, you don't need to rub it in." Remus' hold on his own laughter is failing.

"Come on, Moony. Let's get you out of here."

Sirius reaches out for Remus and tries to get ahold of the blankets but before he can make any sense of the tangled mass, Remus has him by the wrists.

"Maybe I like it here," he says. "Maybe you should just get some food and I'll have it right here."

"Fine. What would you like?," Sirius asks, reluctantly pulling his wrists back from Remus' grip.

"Just a sandwich would be lovely," Remus answers, wriggling himself loose from the pile of blankets.

"How are you feeling then?"

"Decent, all things considered. I slept until the early afternoon, then had some food. Thanks for that, by the way. You know I love your omelettes."

"Of course. Can't leave you alone to feed yourself. Especially since you never know when the tired will strike and you'll get captured by blankets in the hallway," Sirius says with a laugh.

"Anyway," Remus continues pointedly, "I slept and ate then had a bath then went back to bed until fifteen minutes ago when I decided I was hungry. How was your day?"

"Decidedly less restful. I spent the day making sure everyone has what they need of me before I take tomorrow off. It was mostly just getting my patients ready for tonight."

"What does that entail?, Getting them ready for tonight?," Remus asks, as he sits up to accept the sandwich.

Sirius slides down the wall to sit beside him before he answers.

"Most of them will go to the ministry to transform tonight. Some of them need letters from me prescribing specific accommodations they require either during or after their transformation. Some are in need of canes or walkers, that sort of thing, and I have to write a new letter every month to ensure they will have it given back to them at moon set. Others have medical waivers to get stronger pain potions, although fewer now since the process to get them approved is getting more and more arduous by the minute."

Sirius sounds tired talking about his patients. None of them will have an easy night tonight. Very few of them get Wolfsbane and even those few will endure the transformation alone, in a cage. "Outside of my regular Healer duties, I also have at least one or two families who call in a panic on the full because their child care has fallen through or their employer is putting up a fuss about another absence," Sirius says, clearly frustrated. "Those are easier and can usually be solved with a sternly worded letter on my best stationary, the child care ones are solvable but eat up quite a lot of time."

"People call you for child care?," Remus asks, visibly confused.

"Well, not me. No one is expecting me to watch their kids, although I have done in the past. No, many of our families have young children who aren't werewolves and usually they trade amongst themselves to watch each other's children during the full. So, a family with one wolf parent will watch the children of a family with two wolves, that sort of thing. But, some months, something falls through and we get a panicked call. We always get it sorted in the end."

"They trade child care?," Remus says slowly into the second half of his sandwich.

"Child care, healing potions, recipes, safe houses, tactics for dealing with the Ministry," Sirius says, "one group of families even got together to put together a rudimentary curriculum for the wizards who weren't able to go to school. They're quite a tight knit group, really."

"You lead a pack," Remus says into the room.

"Oh, nothing so grand as that," Sirius says dismissively. "I just make a meeting space available on Fridays and the rest they do themselves."

"Why," Remus pauses. "Why are you trying so hard for them?"

"I don't understand?," Sirius answers, honestly.

"No one cares about werewolves. No one worries about our kids, or our schooling, or our futures. Why do you?"

"Is that a real question? Are you really asking me why I'm not some bigoted asshole like those monsters who tattooed that number on your neck?"

"No...I," Remus seems to be working out the right words. "You, you could have done anything. And James, he did, he became an Auror. You wanted to be an Auror too, I remember you talking about it. So, why this? Why help werewolves? Nobody helps werewolves."

"You silly man. I help werewolves because my favourite person in the whole world is a werewolf and he deserves helping. Now, come on. It's time to get you off this floor."

 

 

It's more than a bit of a struggle to get Remus, Sirius and the supplies through the floo since Remus isn't quite stable enough to make the landing alone, but somehow they manage it, and by the time the Adams arrive at the Lupin home, Remus is propped up on the couch looking a little better for the effort. Emily, with her advantage of fewer transformations under her belt, and youth in her favour, looks fine.

Mrs Lupin is fussing about getting the Adams' things settled in Remus' old room and Mr Lupin, James and Peter are walking Mr Adams through the wards. He watches while they read Emily into the magical barriers and they let him test the muggle repelling wards by having him try to walk through only to find himself suddenly deposited back near the house, while Emily manages to jump back and forth across the line with ease.

"Did I ever have that much energy?," Remus asks from his seat in the window.

"Not in all the years I've known you," Sirius replies with a smile. "I'm pretty sure that's more about you than the wolf though."

"True enough. If you'd been the wolf we'd have never been able to contain you," Remus laughs. "Thank goodness she'll have her wits about her tonight. I'm not sure we would stand a chance otherwise."

The two of them watch Emily and James chasing each other in and out of the wards for a minute before Remus speaks again.

"Sit for a minute?"

"Sure," Sirius says as he lowers himself down to sit next to Remus.

"Do you think I could maybe meet your other pack? Like, maybe I could come on Friday? I've never spent time around other wolves, really, other than in passing at the ministry," Remus sounds nervous as he speaks. "I know I'm not one of your patients, and I'll understand if it's not really appropriate but.."

Sirius cuts him off before he can finish. "Please? Please come on Friday. They'll honestly be excited to meet you. Oh, can we make it a surprise?," he asks, eyes wide. "The kids, Moony, the kids are going to love this! Ugh, I can't wait to see their faces when they find out you're there."

"Do they know about me then?"

"Oh, yes. Of course they know about you. You're my Moony," Sirius says, as if it's obvious. "They've heard all about our adventures at school, they all think you're just the greatest thing."

"What have you told them?," Remus asks. "I'm barely even interesting, Pads."

"You understand that most of these wolves never got a Hogwarts letter, right? They have no formal magical training, some of them don't even have wands because the regulations won't allow it, and most of them had to wait until they were adults before they were able to find someone who would care for them half as well as Madame Pomfrey cared for you. You're an anomaly to them. The werewolf who went to school, made friends, made something of himself."

Remus shifts awkwardly on the couch. He knows he's been luckier than most, maybe all, other werewolves but it's hard to see himself as special. Sirius is saying these kids look up to him, but shouldn't it be his parents or Dumbledore or Sirius they're impressed by?

"Most of my patients were slow to trust me. Understandable really, given the way wolves are used to being treated. Knowing that I know you, that we grew up together and are still close, it helps them trust that I'm honestly looking to help. All the adults know about Moony but none of them know that you're you, if that makes sense," Remus nods but he still won't meet Sirius' eye.

"The kids, on the other hand...well, sometimes I take the kids during group so the adults can get the time together, and then I tell them stories about you. Silly stories, stories about meeting you, learning your secret, things we did at school," Sirius says, smiling. "They want to be you, Moony. They all want to be wizards and go to Hogwarts and build their own packs. They have dreams because of you. Because you've done it and that makes them think they can do it too."

"But I didn't, Pads," Remus says into his lap. "You did and my parents did and Dumbledore did. It's not me that's special."

"Did your parents come top of our class then, Remus? Did I endure the pain of hundreds of transformations while keeping an elaborate secret from the rest of the school? Did Dumbledore inspire Peter to try again and again and again to memorize the animagi incantations? Stop with this self deprecation, Moony," Sirius says, clearly exasperated. "You are special. Look at all the good you've made us do. Look at all the good you've made me do. Come on Friday, I'd love to have you there."

"Okay."

"Good. You ready to get this started?"

"Never."

"Perfect."

 

 

As predicted, Emily is not nearly as interested in rest as they are after the initial transformation, and she runs and plays full tilt all night. Remus is amazed at how she seems to bounce back to full strength one the wolf takes over. He's used to being knocked back for a while from the pain and the effort but, while she obviously finds the transformation just as agonizing as he does, she seems ready within minutes of becoming the wolf, to see what her four legs can do. Remus is exhausted just watching her lunge playfully at poor Wormtail who is doing his best to stay out of reach in Prongs' antlers.

As for Mr and Mrs Adams, the night is at once terrifying and exhilarating. Clinging to each other as Emily's body violently shifts from human to wolf, neither of them finds themselves able to turn away. Sirius told them it would be awful, but this is a horror they have no reference for. Just as Emily's wolf stands and shakes herself out to her full height, Mrs Lupin reaches for Mrs Adams' hand and squeezes tightly. "Alright, now," she says, soothingly. "They're through the worst bit." Mrs Adams squeezes back and they turn back to watch the beautiful russet wolf as she pesters the other animals to play.

To everyone's relief it is obvious once Emily and Remus are human again, that the wolves have been exceptionally kind this month. Aside from the usual muscle pain, crippling exhaustion and an honestly astounding number of small scratches, the newly untethered wolf was apparently intent on making the most of her night, both Remus and Emily are in relatively good shape.

Usually when the pack runs together they fall asleep long before the moon sets and once Remus has transformed back, Sirius just pulls a blanket over the two of them and they sleep wherever they lay, but tonight, in light of the company, Remus stiffly pulls on the clothes Peter brings him and lets Sirius help him inside to the couch. As for Emily, James carries the girl through the wards and up to Remus' room to have her cuts treated by Mrs and Mr Lupin, her parents in eager tow.

Once they're alone Sirius looks Remus over, healing the scratches as he goes, and is happy to find he's largely unscathed.

"Alright, Moony?," He asks, as Remus shifts to make his left side available.

"Yeah. Tired, sore for sure, but not bad. Did you get a look at Emily before James took her?"

"She looked good, Moons. Scratched up for sure but otherwise fine."

"Okay. Gonna sleep now," Remus says, his eyes already closing.

"Okay, Moony. Love you."

"Love you too, Pads."

 

 

It's afternoon before Remus, Emily and the Adams wake, and James and Peter have long since left for home. Remus stirs first when he hears Sirius swear loudly in the kitchen.

"Shit! Shit! Ouch!"

"Alright in there?," Remus asks, his voice rough with sleep and strain.

"Oh! Did I wake you? I'm sorry. I was doing so well at trying to be quiet but grabbing the handle of the cast iron without a mitt was body painful. And stupid. Ouch."

"Come here, I'll get it," Remus said, sitting up and reaching for Sirius' wand. He's got the hand healed in a minute, healing charms being a thing he's rather good at out of necessity.

"Tea is just about ready," Sirius says as he looks his newly healed hand over. "Think you'll be ready to eat soon?"

"Yeah. A shower first though. I'm pretty sure there's more dirt on me than in the yard."

"Off with you then," Sirius says, waving him toward the stairway. "And if you run into any of the others tell them food's ready in ten minutes."

"Will do."

It's another half hour before the last of them is sat around the table and while everyone, save Sirius, has managed a nap, they all look a little worse for wear.

"So, every month, eh?," says Mr Adams as he motions for Emily to start serving herself.

"I know," answers Mrs Lupin. "I like to think it was easier when we were younger but I don't remember it ever feeling that way."

"What about you, Sirius? Have you been up this whole time?," asks Mrs Adams.

"Up, to work, to the market and in the kitchen," he replies with a chuckle.

"Everything alright at the hospital?," Remus asks, suddenly alert.

"Yeah," Sirius says, voice soft. "Everyone is fine. I just went in to be sure."

"Good. Good. Okay," Remus says in relief, and Sirius can see that he's already getting invested in the wolves he won't even meet until Friday.

"It actually went better than it usually does because instead of getting me this morning at the Ministry, my patients were treated to an entire team of interns who are all vying for a spot on my team," Sirius says with a smile. "By the time I got into the office I already had three owls about what a nuisance they'd been to the Ministry officials and two from patients requesting that they take over that part of my job permanently. It seems like they were all keen to impress."

"How many interns are you taking?," Mr Lupin asks.

"Just two. But I got eight applications, so the competition is fierce."

"Eight healers are competing to work with werewolves?," Mr Lupin asks, voicing the question Remus had been trying to get his head around.

"Yup. It seems that our little project is getting some notice."

"Oh, well, that's good then, isn't it?," Mr Adams asks.

"Oh, it's good," Mr Lupin says. "I just never thought I'd live to see the day that healers would fight to help wolves. How many did we have to try before we got that Blakely bloke to look at Remus?"

"At least ten, maybe twelve?," replies Mrs Lupin. "And even then he kept insisting that werewolves couldn't really feel pain anyway."

"Don't remind me. I got asked if we were starting an apothecary at one point because we were buying pain potion ingredients in such large quantities," Mr Lupin says with a sigh before looking at the Adams'. "I'm not sure you understand how good Emily has it with Sirius, here. Werewolves aren't generally afforded much respect in the wizarding world, and in our experience Healers have, in general, been no different. If it weren't for Remus going to Hogwarts and meeting Madame Pomfrey, the school Healer, I really don't know what kind of shape he'd be in today."

Mrs and Mr Adams exchange a look before Mrs Adams speaks.

"Sirius has introduced us to some of his other patients," she begins slowly. "It was obvious in talking to them, just what a gift meeting him has been. For all of us.'

"Alright, that's enough embarrassing praise for one day," Sirius says as stands to clear the plates. "I hope you've all saved room for cake. I went by the bakery near the flat and picked up that fudgey one you like so much, Remus, and as you know, eating well is an important party of recovery."

"Is he this ridiculous at the hospital, Emily?," Remus asks in a loud whisper.

"Oh, yes," she replies. "After the last moon he stood very seriously beside my bed and wrote out prescriptions for chocolate brownies and two chapters of the book we'd been reading. He even wrote down that they had to be read aloud each night at exactly eight o'clock."

"And?," Sirius asks, indignantly. "Did it work? Were you back on your feet two days later like I promised you would be?"

"Yes, Healer Black."

"Well then, maybe a little less laughter at my methods, you two," he said pointing back and forth between a snickering Remus and Emily, who is struggling to stifle a laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's meet some werewolves!

Thursday morning finds Remus well enough to return to his research and gathering his things to make a trip to the archives.

"You'll take it easy, yes?," Sirius says, as he fusses over Remus' breakfast.

"Yes, Healer Black," Remus replies mockingly. "I have the pain potion you gave me in my bag and the floo coordinates to your office that you made me write down, as well as twenty years of having done this before, so I think I'll be fine."

"Snark all you want Remus, but who was it that was practically purring when he crawled into his flannel sheets last night?," Sirius says with a laugh. "Be a prat about my worrying if you want to, but I don't see you complaining when your chocolate stores are magically refilled and your warmest pajamas are waiting for you next to a hot bath."

"True enough. I really am going to miss this next month," Remus says, turning serious. "I had nearly forgotten how nice it is to have someone looking after you."

"Mark that down in my column then, please," Sirius says as he hands Remus an extra bar of Honeyduke's to take with him. "If I'm not mistaken, I think the last forty eight hours have put a number of things on my side. Those teacher friends of yours are really going to have to up their game if they want to keep you around."

"Given that most of them don't even know that I'm a werewolf, I don't think that's going to happen," Remus says, stowing the chocolate in his bag, as if he isn't going to eat it in minutes anyway. "Honestly, the prospect of facing the next moon alone is doing a pretty good job of tilting things in your favour."

"Well then, imagine how good coming home will sound after you meet the other wolves tomorrow," Sirius is smug now. Remus is sounding reluctant to leave and Sirius can't help but revel a bit in that idea.

"One thing going on the other column though," Remus says, as he shrugs on his jacket, "is that my current contract is paying for my Wolfsbane. Coming home means giving it up, which would mean going back to the ministry cells. I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Nonsense, Moony," Sirius says forcefully. "You'd have Wolfsbane here. I'd make sure of it."

"I've already looked into the trials, Pads. Don't you remember we did this when I was working out how to manage it without having to ask the school?"

"Lucky for you, I'm both highly resourceful and full of resources. If you come home I'll make sure you had it one way or the other," Sirius says with finality.

"I'm not letting you pay for it, Sirius." It's clear that Remus knows he's tempting a fight here, but this is too much. Sirius can't just be expected to buy him a ludicrously expensive potion every month just because it makes one night out of twenty eight better.

"I'm not having this fight with you again, Moony," says Sirius, his voice tired. "It's my money and I'll spend it as I please and it pleases me to make sure you don't suffer. But, for now, just forget about it. We'll figure the Wolfsbane out later, just focus on deciding to come home."

"Sneaky, Pads," Remus laughs. "You're relentless."

"I have to be because you're insufferably stubborn," Sirius says with a pout. "Have fun with your books, I'll meet you back here with supper around six."

Remus says "See you then, Padfoot," before stepping out the door leaving Sirius to pull his things together and pop through the floo to the hospital.

 

 

That night Sirius brings home takeaway and they eat it in front of the TV. Halfway through a terrible muggle film about shapeshifting children Remus falls asleep, leaned up against Sirius, head tucked into the curve of his neck, and Sirius watches the rest of the film and then another before waking Remus and shuffling him off to bed.

 

 

On Friday evening Remus finds himself following the signs to the room number written on the scrap of parchment Sirius handed him this morning on his way out the door. He's running about twenty minutes early because his nerves have kept him rattled all day and he knows that being able to get a few minutes alone with Sirius before the others come will help. Rounding the final corner he sees his friend leaning on the door jamb, looking smug.

"You did better than I thought, Moony. I've been here since half past."

"I'd say something clever but we both know I spent the last ten minutes taking the long way up from the lobby. Thanks for knowing I'd be early. And nervous. And...well, thanks."

"You don't need to be nervous," Sirius says, as he directs Remus through the door. "Everyone here will be very excited to meet you."

"Very reassuring," Remus answers flatly. "You know I'm always comforted by a room full of people excitedly staring at me."

Locking the door to buy them a few minutes alone before the rest of the group arrives, Sirius directs Remus to start rearranging the chairs to one side of the room, then helps him pull the long tables over to the wall under the windows. Idle chat about their days, physical work to channel the nerves, Remus knows that Sirius is trying to give him an outlet for his anxiety, and he's grateful for it. Arranging tables and chairs while listening to Sirius prattle on about the administrative side of his job is much better than chewing his nails and wearing a hole through the hem of his shirt, which is what he's been doing with the energy until now.

At five minutes to the hour, Sirius says, "ready?," and heads over to open the door, then it's all laughing and talking and movement as forty or so people come through the door in a jumble of greetings and children and food. Remus is glad for all the activity when it allows him to get swept up in the can you hold this?'s and the would you mind putting this on the table for me?'s without anyone taking much notice of him at all.

"Alright, alright, has everyone had a chance to get some food?," Sirius asks as people settle into the chairs, and on the carpet, with their plates. "Great. Now, I know we wanted to talk this week about the intern applicants and the possibility of bringing in some profs from the University to run practical magic seminars, and I do have some news on that last one, but first I wanted to introduce someone very special to me."

"Come here, Remus, don't be shy," Sirius says over his shoulder. Remus is very intently studying the geometric patterning of the carpet under his feet, but he rises slowly and comes to stand next to Sirius, eyes still on the floor. Sirius wraps an arm around Remus' shoulders, and Remus looks up and out, eyes sweeping over the gathering, a slow smirk spreading across his face. "Going to introduce me to your pack, Pads?"

"They're not my pack," Sirius says with a groan, earning him a huff of laughter from Remus.

"You sure about that?," Remus says looking across the rows of rapt adults toward the children assembled near the side of the room. One of the little girls catches his eye. She's got her hair in what clearly used to be a neat little braid and she's risen up on her knees, in expectation or anticipation, maybe excitement? "Are you a wolf like my Tata?"

Remus moves to crouch in front of her and extends his hand. Her tiny hand in his looks comically small but he takes it and shakes it firmly. "My name is Lucija," she offers proudly. "Well, nice to meet you Lucija," Remus answers. "My name is Remus, but you might know me as Moony. And yes, I am a wolf, just like your Tata."

"You're Moony?," A little boy asks, eyes wide. "But, but, Moony lives in France. Moony is a teacher. You're don't look old enough to be a teacher."

"Thank you…,"

"Rohit," supplies Sirius.

"Thank you Rohit. You're right, I do live in France and I am a teacher, but I'm here visiting Healer Black right now, and I asked if I could come and meet all of you." Remus takes yet another little hand in his own.

"Come introduce yourself, Remus" Sirius says, drawing Remus' attention back to the group at large. Taking his time to stand and return to the front of the room, Remus tries to gather his thoughts. He's usually uncomfortable with this many eyes on him, but somehow knowing that these people are all werewolves and their families makes it feel so much more important but also so much more exciting at the same time.

"As you probably heard, my name is Remus, Remus Lupin, but you maybe already know a bit about me as Moony. Healer Black tells me that he has spoken to a number of you about our time together at school but, as his friend, I'd tell you to take everything he says with a grain of salt," Sirius scoffs loudly, but Remus ignores him and continues. "Healer… Sirius and I have been friends since we were eleven years old, but I've been a werewolf since I was five." There are some murmurs in the crowd, five is awfully young to be bitten and survive. "I have been lucky, very lucky, to have good parents, and great friends, and a headmaster who fought for my right to an education, but I have never had the chance to know other people who really understood me." Remus is looking with intention over the assembled werewolves and families and children. "This is remarkable. You, all of you, are doing something remarkable. Banding together to push back against the hatred that forces us into obscurity, working together to offer each other care and help and support, and now you've got healers competing to help you. Remarkable."

Remus shakes his head, conveying just how disbelieving he is that he is standing here, in a room full of werewolves and families who are working together to make things better. "To those of you that are werewolves, you should be incredibly proud that you've inspired this kind of effort, and to those of you that aren't…," Remus pauses to steady himself, clenching the fingers of one hand into a first, then releasing it slowly. "To those of you that aren't, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for…for everything." 

Remus ducks his head as soon as he's done speaking. The room is silent and Sirius suspects that the rest of the group is just as overcome by the emotion in Remus' words as he is. Stilling for a minute Sirius takes in the wonder that is Remus opening himself up to this group of strangers. Where Sirius has always worked through his emotions loudly, forcefully, publicly, Remus handles his feelings deliberately and carefully, sharing rarely and only after taking the time to decide exactly how little he can get away with divulging

This honest, open, spontaneous Remus is so unexpected that Sirius finds himself taking much too long to realise he should be speaking. It isn't until Remus touches him lightly on the elbow that Sirius shakes himself and once again addresses the group.

"i'm sure lots of you have questions for Remus," Sirius says to the room, but looking pointedly at the children. "So I'm going to very quickly get through today's business so you can get to it. First, I'll remind you that you have until the end of next week to get your opinions to me about the intern candidates. I want all your thoughts, no matter how small. We're going to be stuck with these healers for two years and then we're going to try our best to get them to stay, so anything you can offer to help me make the decision is appreciated. Second, I have some news about our guest lecture programme. One of my contacts at the University has gotten back to me to say that he found a work around that will allow professors to come and offer practical magic lessons to our group without them having to risk censure. So far he's got a defence expert and a charms lecturer that are eager to come, but he's pretty sure he'll be able to put together a whole series for us."

There's a murmur throughout the room as people share their excitement at the news. "Yeah, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it too," Sirius adds. "Is there anything else we need to address? No? Perfect. We've got the room for another hour so please eat, play, pester Moony with all your questions, and as for me, I'll be around if anyone wants to talk my ear off about how much better my interns are than me at caring for you after the moon." This earns Sirius a chuckle as the group starts to get up and the chatter starts up again.

Sirius has barely managed to turn around and look for Remus before he finds him already surrounded by a group of very excited kids. "Did you really go to Hogwarts?", "Do you really have a friend that's a rat?", "Is it true that you once told Healer Black that you could smell really well all the time, to stop him from sneaking up on you?"

"What have you been telling them, Padfoot?," Remus asks, as he sees Sirius settling on the floor in amongst the jostling kids. "Just the truth, Moons." Sirius says, and turns to the little boy beside him. "So Marco, what do you think of my Moony?"

A chubby boy of about nine or ten, looks Remus over for a minute and then says confidently, "I think my Mum could beat him up if she wanted to. Are you sure he's a wolf?" Sirius' laughter breaks through the shocked silence so loudly that Marco's cheeks pink and the little girl beside him smacks his arm. Remus' eyes are wet with laughing tears as he finally calms down enough to answer. "You'll have to warn me which one is your mother then, Marco and I'll do my best to stay on her good side." Remus claps a hand in the boys shoulder and looks him in the eye as if to say we're in this together, and Marco offers him a shy smile in return. When one of the adults comes to pull Sirius away, Remus is still answering excited questions about his time at school, all the places he's traveled and what exactly his wolf looks like.

A half hour later finds Remus sitting in a small circle of chairs talking to five or six other adults about the rudimentary curriculum they've come up with to teach the wizards and witches among the group. There are a couple of shy questions about Remus' time at Hogwarts but people's emotions sit pretty close to the surface about the exclusion of werewolves from wizarding schools, and everyone is being careful to keep their envy and anger under control.

Remus is jotting down the names of some of his former students and colleagues that he thinks might be willing to come and work with the kids on a voluntary basis when Sirius comes up to stand across from him. "Have you put your name on that list yet, then?"

"Me? No. I'm not sure runic translations are any more in demand here than they are anywhere else. Best to stick with people with practical skills to pass on."

"Well, Healer Black had mentioned that you were a very impressive duelist," says a small, brown haired woman to Remus' right, who had introduced herself as Aba. "My son, Lemuel, is getting older now and people are starting to see him less as a kid and more as a man," She says with a frown. "I don't like to think about people coming after him because he's a wolf, but I'd be a fool to not give him a way to protect himself. Having someone teach him to fight, and defend himself, goes against what I'd like for him." Aba sits herself up a little taller in her chair and pulls her hands into fists that rest on her knees. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to do it," she finishes, with a nod.

"Aba's right, Remus," Sirius says softly, resting a confirming hand on Aba's shoulder. "Preparing our wizards for magical life isn't really our priority, most of them live in the muggle world to avoid detection, it's preparing them to survive that we need to focus on. Your skill with defenses could be really useful to someone like Lemuel. You should consider it if you decide to move back."

The crease between Remus' brows deepens as he seems to consider what they are saying. "I'm not sure I'm the best candidate for it, but I'd be happy to be useful if you need me." The words seem to be costing Remus some part of himself just to say, and Sirius suspects it's because he's thinking of all the times he's had to rely on his magic to protect himself over the years.

It's late once they finally get back to the flat, Remus quiet and Sirius trying to do anything he can to not get in the way. They've had a good night, but Sirius knows it was the difficult kind of good for Remus, and he's feeling more than a little worried that with a wrong move he'll tip them back into that tense, uncomfortable place they have been living in. Remus, for his part, doesn't seem to be noticing much of anything, so wrapped up, as he is, in his own thoughts.

It isn't until Sirius has washed and changed and gotten himself into bed that he hears a quiet knock on the door frame and sees Remus standing just outside the room.

"What's up?"

"Can I come in?"

Sirius doesn't answer, he just scoots over to one side of the bed and pats the space beside him. After a pause, Remus makes his way over and settles down, just on the edge of the bed, one leg tucked under the other knee, hands folded in his lap. Sirius watches the curve of his back, the way his head is down and his eyes are on his hands, and waits for Remus to speak.

"Can I, can I ask you something?," Remus chances a glance at Sirius in time to see him nod. "All those families, I...I don't, no, that's not it… Are they happy? The other people, not the wolves but the partners, the kids, are they…are they…"

"Moony," Sirius says softly, placing a steadying hand on Remus' back just below his shoulder. "I've been meeting with those families every week for nearly a year now and I can tell you that they are just as happy as anyone else. I know you think that being a werewolf somehow makes you less or worse or unworthy compared to the rest of us, but, you have to believe me, it really doesn't. Those families are happy. They have homes and children and jobs and dreams and so much love, just like any other family."

Remus is rubbing the hem of his shirt between his thumb and forefinger when Sirius finishes talking. He's still got his head down, eyes averted, and the worried look etched into the crease of his brow. "Hey," Sirius says, just above a whisper. "What did you think of my pack?"

"I thought they weren't your pack, Pads," Remus says with the barest hint of a smile before turning serious again. "They are extraordinary. You are extraordinary. Tonight was…it was unreal."

"The kids want to know if you're coming back."

"So do I."

"Would you like to?" Sirius is trying to be careful here but he finds this doesn't feel as tense as all the other times they've tried to talk over the last week and a half. Remus was open tonight. He was careful and considering and all the other very Remus things to be, but he also put himself out there in a way Sirius hasn't seen in years. It might just be wishful thinking but Sirius thinks meeting the group might just be the thing that lets them finally talk their way through this tension.

When Remus' answer comes, it is barely audible, and Sirius nearly misses it in the sound of the shifting sheets as Remus rises to leave. "Very much." Barely a breath and yet, the promise it holds makes Sirius' stomach flutter as he settles in to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, so sorry, except that I'm not really.

Saturday morning dawns crisp and bright and Remus is there to see it. He's been up most of the night thinking about the meeting last night and his research and Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, and truthfully, he's just grateful that it's finally an acceptable time to be up and moving around. By the time Sirius drags himself out, Remus is showered and dressed and nearly finished making breakfast.

"Morning."

"Morning. Sleep well?"

"No," Remus says dismissively, turning to indicate with his hand that Sirius should sit. "I was hoping you had today free."

"Yeah, I've got nothing. What's up?"

"Let's go to the beach. You know the little one at the cove? We can get lunch at the pub, putter around for a bit."

"Take the bike?," Sirius asks, eyebrows up in hopeful expectation.

"Yeah."

It's a bit of a drive to the little beach town, an hour in Saturday traffic, but Remus' arms are wrapped tightly around him and he can feel the steady weight of him at his back. Before they've cleared the city, Sirius is sure he'd be happy to stay just like this forever.

The plan is to arrive at lunch time and they've overshot that by a bit, but neither of them complains. Beer, chips and well battered clams, and a careful conversation about absolutely nothing of consequence are a perfect way to spend so lovely a day, and if it takes a bit of faking on everybody's part to make it happen then, so be it.

After lunch it's a quick walk past the touristy shops and down a side lane to get to the isolated little beach they've been coming to for years.

"I do think I'm getting better," Sirius says so quietly that Remus almost misses his words. He's crouched down in the search for skipping stones when the words reach him and he's afraid to move, even to stand, in case the noise startles Sirius into silence. Eyes trained on the horizon, hands in his pockets, Sirius is gnawing at his bottom lip as if he hasn't said a word. "I mean, it was bad. Like, really bad. I don't, I don't know what Lily and James told you but...yeah, I was a mess for a while. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about what that…"

"I don't need to know the details, Pads," Remus offers, slowly standing up and positioning himself beside Sirius. "I'd much rather know why it happened, and how I can help."

Sirius makes a noise in his throat that sounds like in another, happier place, it would be a laugh. "I'm not sure I'm ready for the why, either."

"Okay. What about the help?"

Sirius' eyes haven't moved from the water, his voice is distant, quiet, unsure. "That's just it. You can't help. James can't help, Lily can't help, no one can help. I just need to get over it. I just need time, I think."

"Tell me to shut up any time, but, if sleeping in my room helped, why can't I help?" Remus is careful to keep his eyes forward.

This is the heart of it, and Remus knows better than to expect an answer. He isn't really asking for one. Sometimes the way to help Sirius is to show him that you've found your own way to the information, and that you'll be there, without pushing, when he needs you.

In second year, Remus didn't expect Sirius to knock on his bedpost one day and say 'my parents are abusive and I'd very much like to talk about it'. That was never going to happen. Instead he talked around it, just enough for Sirius to know that if he needed someone to talk to, his feelings would be understood. It took two months, and another trip home that time, but eventually he found himself hugged tightly around a tearful and angry Sirius who was ready to talk.

Remus is a way down the beach when Sirius finally comes to him, a handful of skipping stones and a determined set to his jaw. It's late afternoon and the sun's reflection on the water seems to stretch out forever and Remus tries to name all the colours on display around him while he waits for Sirius to speak.

"It's not yours to fix, Moony." Voice quiet, just a hint of strain from the effort it's taking to get the words out. "I just, I wanted something and I can't have it, and I wanted you, and you weren't there. I really, I can't...I wish they hadn't told you about that. About me sleeping in your room. I, fuck. I really didn't want you to know about that. But I really am getting better. I don't want you to worry about me."

"I'm always going to worry about you." Remus says into the slow rolling waves. "You're my favourite person. You can't ask me to ignore your pain."

Sirius stills at this. The stone he's been turning over in his hand coming to rest in his palm, no longer ready to toss. Legs pivoting out of throwing position and back to facing forward. Head facing the sea. Closing his eyes for a moment, he lets the stones fall and turns to walk back up the beach.

On the ride home Sirius is no less aware of how Remus is everywhere around him. His legs burn where Remus' press up against them, his neck is alight with the hot breath he can feel whenever the bike is stopped and there's no wind to pull it away. They are silent the whole way. Up the beach, onto the bike, the ride home, up into the flat, neither of them dares to break the silence until their jackets are hung and their shoes are off and Remus is rummaging around in the kitchen.

"Whiskey or gin?," Remus asks, his voice too loud after so much silence.

"Whiskey."

"Right then."

Sirius puts on a record and Remus brings out the glasses and, in unspoken agreement, they sit much farther apart in the room than is strictly necessary. Two drinks in, Remus has calmed down enough to order pizza. Four drinks in, Sirius is able to carry on a relatively normal conversation. Six drinks in, Remus suggests, and Sirius agrees in obvious relief, that it is time for bed. Sirius turns the latest record over and waits until Remus has closed the door to his room before getting up and taking his turn getting ready for bed.

 

 

Thanks to hangovers just bad enough to be exhausting, Remus and Sirius are saved from most of the awkwardness that could have been Sunday morning. Both men are slow in waking and spend what remains of the morning trying to make themselves feel human enough to socialize. To be fair, Remus spends most of his time agonizing about how he's leaving tomorrow, and Sirius loses at least an hour to being embarrassed about what he said on the beach, and another to moping about Remus leaving. In the end they barely have time for a cup of tea and a bit of toast before they are due at Dorcas and Marlene's for lunch.

I need to find a way to leave, Sirius thinks, as soon as they've been welcomed into the living room. It is immediately obvious that everyone else in the room, Dorcas and Marlene, James and Lily, Pete and Mary, Alice and Frank, are coupled off and, to make matters worse, the only empty seating would put Remus and Sirius together on a rather small chaise. Remus is first to bite the bullet and begins to cross the room saying hello and trading hugs with everyone else as he goes. Sirius, being not the main attraction, makes it to the chaise first and attempts to figure out how two grown men who are too afraid to talk to each other, could possibly arrange themselves on this ridiculous piece of furniture without touching. It strikes him that he must have been more obvious about it than he thought when Lily's voice cuts through the room. "James, come on, move your bum. I want to sit with Remus." Sirius has never loved a woman so much.

"Well then, seems I've been told," James says while standing up and clapping Remus on the back. "Since you're taking over, you'll need to know that she likes her tea ready and waiting on days she pulls the early shift, and if you've any intention of keeping your equipment." The raised eyebrows make it perfectly clear what exactly constitutes Remus' equipment. "You'll want to remember that she enforces the I cook, you clean rule rather strictly."

"Noted," Remus says with a laugh. "Although, to be fair, if I were taking over, her tea would be ready every day, and I'd likely do all the cooking and cleaning to make up for the whole not sleeping with women thing."

Lily throws out a "Stop it, you two!" as she pulls Remus down and tucks herself into his side. "Anyway, if this is a swap, I think we'd fare much better than the two of you," she says, pointing between James and Sirius.

Now. I have to get out of here now. Sirius feels his heart trying to break through his chest as he practically launches himself to the back door muttering something about having a smoke.

"She doesn't mean it, Pads. It was meant to be a joke."

"It's not fucking funny though, is it, James?"

Of course James has come to talk to him. James who believes that anything can be solved with an honest conversation. James who answers every one of Sirius' crises with a heartfelt, "the only way out is through!" Fumbling his pack for a second cigarette, Sirius can still hear his brain yelling run, run, run. "Please, James. It's, fuck, just give me a minute. I'll come back in, but I'm not going to talk about it. If I can't talk about it with him, I'm sure as hell not going to talk about it with you."

Hands up in surrender, James turns back into the house, quickly getting swallowed back up into the conversation. Once he's gone Sirius closes his eyes and smokes the second cigarette slowly. In, out, in, out, in, out, as he tries to steel himself for what is sure to be a very painful couple of hours.

He's not wrong. Throughout the afternoon there are islands of time when the group is talking as a whole or the couples find themselves broken up and shifted about the room, but then, as if magnetized, they all seem to rearrange themselves into pairs. The worst of it comes when James and Lily, and Frank and Alice talk, for what seems like years, about their babies, and somehow that devolves into a discussion about wedding planners, which spirals into reliving the most saccharine parts of the Potter and Longbottom weddings.

This time Sirius barely makes it halfway through the first cigarette before someone is coming out the back door to join him. "Really, James, I'm fine."

"And I'm not James."

Come on, thinks Sirius, you are the last person I want to see right now. "Sorry Rem. I just, well…"

"No, I get it. I saw James check on you earlier."

"So now you're coming to do it?"

Remus laughs as he leans his back on the wall of the garden shed next to Sirius. "No. I just can't stand another twenty minutes about how fucking amazing being married is."

"You and me both."

"And when did Frank turn into one of those giggling girls we always made fun of in the common room? All, 'when I get married, I'm going to release doves.'" Remus' impression of a giggling girl is enough to make Sirius snort and then cough around the drag he's just taken. "I mean, James is a lost cause, but we already knew that. Frank though, that's just embarrassing."

"Oh, but don't you know Moony, someday we'll grow up and see how wonderful it is to settle down. Really discover the joys of domesticity." Sirius has puffed his chest out and set his legs wide in a mockery of James' broader body. "I can do the whole speech if you'd like. James gives it to me often enough."

"Wants you to settle down does he?"

"Wants me to grow up."

"Ah. I'd say you're plenty grown up, Healer Black."

"Yeah, well, Professor Lupin, apparently grown up, to James, means something different."

"Wedding bells and diapers?"

"Something like that." Sirius stubs out the butt of his cigarette with obvious distaste. "How he figures that's going to happen in a world where I can't even hold your hand in public is beyond me, but you know James, the only way out is through!"

Sirius turns to head back inside but is stopped by a hand gently staying his arm just above the elbow. When he turns, Remus is standing close, almost too close. "You want to hold my hand, Padfoot?"

Remus voice is impossibly soft but his eyes are intense, those arresting Lupin eyes, staring into Sirius in a way that makes his throat dry up and his knees threaten to give out. "Yes." He manages to breathe out before turning back into the house.

How Sirius manages to survive the rest of the visit is a mystery to him. His heart has not stopped pounding since his slip up and subsequent confession in the backyard, and he's fairly sure he's been laughing a little too loud at things that aren't even remotely funny for a while now when people finally start making their excuses. Sirius considers leaving alone after he watches Dorcas pull a reluctant Remus into the kitchen but Marlene is too fast and catches him.

"Please don't. Just, please. I know what you're going to say, and I really don't have the fucking energy for it today."

"Okay," and suddenly he's being pulled into a tight hug. "Just don't disappear this time. I was worried."

"I'll try. Fuck. I, he's leaving again. He's getting on a plane tomorrow and he's leaving, and I can't do a fucking thing about it." Sirius is so close to tears now that he can't trust himself to meet Marlene's eyes.

"Just tell him you want him to stay. I know, I know, he can't. He has classes to teach and papers to write, but that doesn't stop you from telling him you want him to." Bloody Marlene and her impossible advice. "He loves you, Sirius. He's loved you for years. Just tell him."

 

 

Remus is reading on the couch that evening after dinner when Sirius finally manages to corner him. Between getting all his things packed and hiding in his room, Remus has barely crossed Sirius' path since they got back to the flat. Remus' excuse that he was busy would have been much more believable had Sirius not caught him obviously reading on his bed when he stopped in to offer dinner. So much for subtlety.

"Do you have a minute or are you still busy avoiding me?"

"I'm not, fuck it. Yeah, I have a minute," Remus says gathering his notes and putting them on the floor.

"Okay. Look, I've been trying since you got here to..., no. I want…, ugh. Sorry, this is, fuck. I'm so fucking scared right now. My heart is beating like mad and I can't even say the bloody words." Looking up at Sirius where he's perched on the arm of the sofa wringing his hands and possibly talking to himself under his breath?, Remus can feel himself starting to panic. Please don't, he thinks. We've nearly made it. I'm leaving tomorrow, just leave it. But now Sirius is muttering to himself and Remus suspects James and his stupid advice has broken through. "Just tell him, she says. What the hell does she know? How am I supposed to tell him anything if I can't say the words."

"What words?," Remus asks. He truly doesn't want this to happen, but watching Sirius in pain is just as awful as always.

"What? Oh. Sorry, that wasn't meant to be out loud."

"I assumed as much. Now, what do you want to tell me."

"I don't want to tell you anything, or, no that's not right. I don't want to have to tell you anything, is probably closer to the truth. I just, you're leaving again. I, I don't know how that's going to, no. That's not your problem. I, I just...I don't want you to go." Once the words are out Sirius realises that the fear he was experiencing before is nothing compared to the terror that is coursing through him now. Those words are out in the room now and Sirius believes that this is what putting your actual beating heart into someone else's hands must feel like. Remus is holding his heart now and he had no idea what's going to happen, but he does have a very strong suspicion that it won't be good.

"I have to go." Sirius thinks that Remus is looking at him as he speaks but there is no way he's going to confirm it. The Lupin eyes would surely be enough to kill him in this fragile state. "You're not suggesting...My students are expecting me on Tuesday, I can't just not go back."

"I know. I know that. I know you're not going to just stay here because I want you to. I just need you to know that I want you to stay."

"Why? Why do you want me to stay?"

It turns out terror can be dialed up. Interesting, Sirius thinks as he feels himself gripping the arm of the sofa in an effort to channel some of the fear out and away from his body. "Because we need you. Emily needs you, my patients need you, James and Lily and Harry need you. You saw how happy Dorcas was to have you back."

"Come on, Sirius," Remus says in a tone that clearly says, I can see right through your shit, Sirius, but I'll bite. "Everybody moves on. It's part of growing up. I know that it's hard with James and Peter off with Lily and Mary and me in France, but we all grow up. You're growing up, Healer Black, I need to grow up too."

"Grow up here."

"Pads."

"No. Fuck it. You want to know why I want you to stay? You want to know why I slept in your room and kept all your things exactly where you left them? Because I need you. I need your sleepy eyes and your messy hair in the mornings before you've had your tea, and I need your papers left on every surface and I need you. Here. With me." Sirius is not going to cry. He's going to probably bleed from both his palms from the way he's digging his fingernails into them, but he is not going to cry.

"Sirius, you can't…"

"Yes Remus. Yes I can. I love you, you ridiculous embodiment of self flagellation. I love you and I don't know how you can't see that. My whole life is dedicated to you, you must see it. My life, my work, my home, my family, they are all a bloody neon sign that says 'I love you, Remus Lupin and it seeps out in everything I do!' My love for you has shaped everything good about me." Sirius can't look at Remus, so he can't be sure how he's reacting, but he does know he hasn't run away yet and that's encouraging.

"Even your bloody Dad sees it, Remus!," Sirius cries out, throwing up his hands in exasperation. "When we went out to do the wards he grilled me about why I was a healer and not an Auror like James. For you of course, you oblivious bastard. But do you know what his first question was? The first thing out of his mouth after we left the house? 'Do you love my son?' That's what he wanted to know. And let me tell you something, he already knew the answer. Barely let me finish before he was on about how grateful he was for it. Bloody fool. Like you'd ever need my help."

"Sirius," and there's something so sad and so small in Remus' voice that Sirius doesn't realize he's looking at him until he's already too caught in those eyes to stop it. "You can't. We can't, I need to go."

"You mean you need to stay gone."

"Yes."

"Why? Please, give me that, at least. Why can't you come home. What's so awful about the idea of giving this a try?"

"Pads, that's, that's not. Oh God, it's not awful. It's the opposite of awful. I just, I can't ask that of you."

"What the hell, Remus! I'm the one fucking begging here. What exactly is it you think you'd be asking?"

"It's only going to get worse, Padfoot. I'm only going to get worse. I'm more than middle aged for a werewolf already, you know that. The transformations are already harder, and you've got so much good to do, so much time left and you deserve to spend it with someone…"

"Shut up."

"No, Sirius…"

"I said shut. Up." In one jerky movement Sirius is off the arm of the couch and on his knees in front of Remus, a hand on each of his shoulders. His voice, when it comes, is gritted out through a jaw so tight that Remus can see the taught lines of the tendons in his neck. "Who are you to decide what I deserve? I don't want sixty years with someone else. I want you, for however long I can have you and then I want the memory of you forever after that."

"What if I only have five years?"

"What if I get hit by a bus?

"It's not the same, Sirius. There is a reasonable likelihood that I'm going to live barely half the years that you will and I don't want to burden you with that."

"Okay," says Sirius with a dry laugh, sitting back on his heels. "Okay then. I suppose you suggest I just, what? Go back to being so depressed that I barely leave your room and drink myself to sleep most nights? Fuck, Remus. You don't get to pick this for me. If you don't want me, fine. That's terrible but I'll get over it. If you're just too scared to let me love you, that's just setting us both up to be miserable. Would you rather spend the rest of your life stuck in a room with obnoxiously happy couples, like we were this afternoon, or do you want the chance to be one?"

"It's not that easy."

"It bloody well is! How much better would last night have been if we hadn't had to drink ourselves stupid just to be in the same room together? How much better would today have been if I could have kissed your ridiculously beautiful face and we could have mocked Frank together for his pathetic decline?"

"You could do better, Sirius." There it is.

"That's rich. Let me just run back in time and tell my fourteen year old self that, then." Sirius, not one to hold back, is now acting out both sides of this conversation with his younger self, by turning his torso side to side on his half of the couch. "Hold on, younger Sirius, I know you can't stop thinking about how Remus came back from the summer looking like the cover model on a farm boy romance novel, but future him thinks you could do better. What's that? Your cock says no? Your loss."

"Fourteen?"

"Yeah. Remember your father put you to work that summer? Said it was about time you pulled your weight around the farm? Well, thank you Mr Lupin, because that little plan was a win/win as far as I was concerned. You managed to be too busy all summer to date that annoying girl from down the road who had a crush on you, and you came back looking bloody gorgeous enough to force me into a pretty quick realization that girls were not for me."

"She asked, you know."

"What?"

"April. The girl from down the road. She asked me out that summer."

"Oh."

"I said no. Was too hung up on the beautiful boy who tormented me by being funny and too smart and distractingly in the next bed."

"Damn."

"Yeah."

"Come on, Remus. Make your fourteen year old self happy. Give me a chance." Sirius crawls across the couch until he's got one knee either side of Remus' thighs and gently threads his fingers into the hair at the back of his neck.

"Pads."

"Come on. Do it for little you. Look how many years we've already wasted." Remus is looking at Sirius with soft eyes. He looks like he's stuck somewhere between wanting and sadness and there's nothing Sirius wants more right now than to take that sadness away. "I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you, Moons?"

"Pads, I…"

"I know, you're going to be very Remus about this. You're going to weigh all the options and try to find the most convincing loophole that lets you live out the rest of your life as a miserable sod, and then you're going to explain to me why it's for the best. I'm not buying it this time, but I'll let you go through the motions if that's what you need. Regardless, I still want to kiss you."

Sirius is still straddling Remus' legs with his hand in his hair, so he feels, more than sees, Remus tip his head up to bring their lips together. Perfect, Sirius thinks. Kissing Remus is perfect. Like running with Moony in the Forbidden Forest, like cold drinks on a hot day, like stepping outside just as the clouds part and the sun comes through.

Pulling away and moving off the couch feels like trying to run through molasses for all that his body wants to sink back into Remus until he drowns, but this isn't the time for that. As much as Sirius wants to crawl inside Remus' chest and live inside his beating heart, he knows that pushing him now won't get him anywhere.

"Tell me you'll consider it, Moony." Sirius says, from where he's standing beside the couch. Remus has to look almost straight up to answer him and Sirius almost loses his resolve to be patient when that long, graceful neck tilts itself up and back to meet his eye.

"Sirius." Barely a whisper. "I think you can be sure it's all I'll be thinking about."

Sirius nods while still holding Remus' eye then moves toward the hallway where he pauses, looking back at where Remus is watching him go. "Goodnight, luv."

"Goodnight."

 

 

They are standing in the driveway the following morning when Sirius asks, "Are you still hoping to make a choice by half term?"

"Yes"

"About moving?"

"About everything."

"Okay," Sirius says, with the least resolve he can ever remember having. This is like diving on your broom with your eyes closed, like the moment just after you start unwrapping a gift and just before you finally open it. This is helpless and terrifying and maybe the best moment of your life all at once and Sirius clamps his hands over his mouth because he honestly doesn't know what will happen if he lets out the laughter/scream/desperate noise that is fighting its way up his throat.

The drive back to the airport is excruciating. Remus is too close but also too far away even as Sirius feels him turn his head and pull himself in closer.

In silent agreement they move quickly through the process of stowing Remus' helmet and checking to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything in the drop off lane outside departures. Sirius is stood beside the bike, helmet in hand when Remus leans in to hug him goodbye. "The flannel sheets are back on my bed, Pads. In case you need them."

"Love you Moony."

"Love you too"

"Half term?"

"Yeah."

And then he's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	13. Chapter 13

Remus is back in France with a choice to make, Sirius is fighting the St Mungo's Board of Directors to keep his funding, and James and Lily are just trying to keep both of them moving forward until half term, when everything will out. The second piece of the series begins now, with updates as close to daily as I can manage around a bit of travel. Alright, let's go!

 

[I Never Expected You.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19738855/chapters/46717816)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr as @astoundinglymade
> 
> Because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are. It's wild.


End file.
